HSV Commodore W427 unveiled in Melbourne. Australia's most powerful Holden

370 kW, 640 NM, 0-100kmph 4.7 sec

Australia just launched the 7 litre W427 HSV supercar - that's holden special vehicles for all you wankers outside Australia. It's heart is a 7 litre LS8 pinched from the Corvette from the land of the brave! This engine is almost 2 times bigger than Lewis Hamilton's MacLaren f1 car! It's more than four times bigger than my Nissan Tiida. You can stick four of these cars on a double decker bus and give the Boeing 747 a run for its money.

With Australia's brand spanking new prime minister Kevin Rudd desperately trying to cut back on green house gas emissions, this vehicle has very firmly flipped the him the bird. You're practically raping the environment every time you fire this beast up. When you depress the accelerator it's like kicking social responsibility in the head, after you have raped her friend, the environment!

When you accelerate it's like an angry donkey on steroids kicking you in the ass. You get whiplash despite the headrests, your dick gets compressed to nothing and your balls go into hiding. When you step on those huge 6 pot brakes it's like that angry donkey we talked about earlier kicking you in the gut. Your eyes pop out of your sockets, your dick stretches to 1 foot, your balls touch the floor mats and your heart ends up splattered across the windscreen. The exhaust sounds like a brontosaurus farting after eating too much curry, and people gasp as you go past, not in awe, but because the engine has sucked up all the available oxygen in the area.

Who is going to buy such a monster in Australia where the highest legal speed is limit 120 kmph, with most suburbs limited to 60kmph only and the price of petrol going through the roof thanks to those jobless camel humping oil sheiks? I'll tell you who! Not me, because I don't have enough money.

Expect to smoke clutches faster than Paris Hilton smokes Rick Salomon's meat cigar, and expect to guzzle more fuel than Mel Gibson guzzling hooch. However, this car is not a chick magnet unless you consider gas/petrol stations as hot sexy girls. You must be filthy rich or crazy or probably both to buy this car. $120,000 (Australian) either gets you this HSV supercar or it gets you a Honda Civic and about 5 years worth of fairly above average Russian hookers.

All About Cars, Riceboys And Ricegirls

Top 10 Names for Jennifer Lopez's twins

JLo's baby pics worth 6 million.
Nicole Kidman's baby pics worth a few million.
Christina Aguilera's baby worth only 1 million.

Aren't these stars rich enough? They earn millions a year and now they want to flog their babies for more profit. This is ridiculous. At least Branjelina gave their money from the baby pics to UNICEF. I hope these other couples follow suit. But somehow I don't think white trash diva Christina Aguilera and titanic-ass JLo will be so generous. Also, looks like Christina is pretty miffed by the fact that JLo's twins are commanding 6mil while her little bundle of nappy rash is only good for 1 mil. She's so pissed she's fired a lot of people including her PR company. Well the problem is JLo has TWO babies, and her husband is Marc Anthony, that's gotta be worth a couple of million. Have you heard of a piss-ant called Jordan Bratman? Who the fuck is Jordan Bratman? Well, it's the name of the animal that fathered Christina's child. Now you see why she's lucky to get 1 mil. I thought that she'd have to pay the tabloids to put pics of her little poo-factory in them.

We, 'the people,' made Jennifer Lopez. By listening to her rubbish songs, enduring her vomit inducing movies and tolerating that titanic in-your-face ass. We own her! We should be able to get down on that fat sexy ass, the way Ben Affleck got down. Yu-uu-uck! Ben Affleck you are a sick fat-latino-ass loving porno freak! Anyway we own her babies. They should be given to the public for free.

Anyway, here are the top 10 baby nick-names for JLo's baby boy and girl

3 million smackeroos & look, another 3 million

Malibu House & New York Apartment

Screw you Ben & Stuff you Chris

Range Rover Vogue & Aston Martin DB9

Money bag number 1 & Money bag number 2

Laughing all the way to the bank & Laughing all the way to the bank - again.

Sucker born every minute & Another minute, another sucker

Screw the adoring fans & Screw them again

Little JLo & Little JLo with little balls

Little Mark Anthony & little Mark Anthony without balls

Back to Celebrity Central, for your daily fix.

School Shootings - Illinois latest. Who is to Blame?

There has been yet another school shooting in the states. This time it's poor illinois to add to the already growing casualty list that includes Ohio, Louisiana, Tennessee and California.

It comes just 10 months after 32 students and staff were gunned down by that youtube nut job at Virginia Tech Uni. These shooters are not completely insane, because they know the consequences of their actions and so save the last bullet for themselves. Also, there are no reports of shooters frothing at the mouth.

Whose hands are covered in the innocent children's blood? Okay, maybe some of the students were not that innocent. Maybe some of them were junkies and coke whores. But we digress. Basically, who the fuck is to blame for this shit!

There are a couple of culprits here, but the leading contenders are the 2nd Ammendment and the NRA, violent media such as games, movies and rap songs and last but not least pornography.

The 2nd Amendment is the right to bear firearms in case of an emergency. What kind of emergency will require a 12 gauge shotgun or a desert eagle handgun? Let us see. Maybe While you are waiting to cross the street a couger suddenly takes it upon himself to pounce on your person. Or while waiting inline at the fish market a grizzly bear taps you on the shoulder and says "I've got the surf can you be my turf?" Or Billy the Kid challenges you to a duel because you made sweet love to his horse- and 'Tha Kid' is strictly a one horse guy. Come on. When will you really nead a gun that can saw a person in half or one that can penetrate 1 inch of steel?

Part of the problem is that the filthy rich NRA (National Rifle Association) want to keep selling guns and making blood money. So they continuously lobby the government to leave the gun laws as they are. They also probably fund presidential campaigns too. The NRA's pathetic excuse has always been that if you tighten up the gun laws, that just makes it harder for innocent people to obtain guns. Felons and rappers will always manage to obtain guns so the balance of power will move in favor of the felons. I'd sooner believe that Bill Clinton didn't have sexual relations with Monica than this cold war gunfight between innocent people and felons. Guns are not a solution for anything - except maybe to take down some of those NRA supporting rednecks and their sister-cum-wives. At this rate every man and his dog will be packing some serious heat soon. Someone has to stand up to these NRA redneck gun whores! Not bend over and lower your pants like George W. Bush.

Media is another problem. Gaming consoles let users indulge in interactive life like wholesale massacring of innocent people, animals and women. Some games attempt to get around this by portraying the vanquished as vile aliens or dastardly pokemon - who knows which is scarier, vicious aliens packing 100 kiloton weapons or cute fluffy creatures with cannons in there chests and the ability to administer electric shocks from their ears that would put Taser to shame. When you play these mega violent games (Hitman, Pokemon Diamond) and watch these hyper violent and oft disgusting movies (Saw, Hottie and the Nottie), you become desentisized. Taking lives becomes as easy as taking pills or eating KFC, or seeing Britney's snatch.

America has to get rid of it's gun culture, but it's hard with war mongering morons in parliament. If there is any sort of instability, the first thing the US does is kick out is foreign policy, like kicking Ghandi in the nuts, then invade some poor country like John Rambo or some other macho loser played by a second rate actor such as Jean-Claude Van Damme. Guns are bad and they have no place when dealing with humans. If the government sets the example, the flock will follow.

PS: Porn is the root of all evil- and has a hand in all the ills of the world

Charlie Wilson's War - Rocket launcher or water pistol?

This is based on a true story about a US senator name Charlie Wilson who was instrumental in getting the Russkies out of Afghanistan in the inglorious days of the cold war. Tom Hanks stars as Charlie Wilson along with renegade CIA agent Gust Avrakotos played by Philip Seymour Hoffman, goes about getting funding to rid the hell hole in the desert of the vodka sculling Commie bastards. Julia Roberts make an appearance looking like some freakish bat out of hell as the conservative Madam Herring who helps Charlie get funding as well as get off.

Trash talking bad mouth Phillip Seymour easily steals the show as Gust with his bad ass attitude and irreverence. The plot tries to twist a little with the sniff of a scandal involving Charlie and drugs, but this is quickly swept under the carpet without much grace. If this movie is anything to go by then Charlie Wilson was a bit of a playboy who had lots of sex with hot sexy women. Not just with prostitutes and interns like the senators today. So what the heck is Tom Hanks doing playing this role? He doesn't seem at all convincing as a debonair playboy.

The Good- Hot women, a little nudity and Philip Seymour Hoffman's bad ass mouth.

The Bad- Hot women - I would have expected some of his women to be a little sleazy. Very linear plot. The scandal involving Charlie and drugs should have been developed a bit more and maybe its affect on Charlie explored a little more.

And the Ugly- Portraying poor Russian Pilots like insane Viginia Tech shooters in Huge Russian Hind copters hell bent on wiping Afghanistan from the face of the planet. Add to this hundreds of scenes of russian helicopters, tanks and varous other vehicles getting blow up by the Mujahedin. I hope people understand that there are poor russian soldiers and pilots inside these exploding bots of hardware. These poor soldiers/pilots probably just wanted to get the hell out of Afganistan - which is a shit hole by anyone's standards - Afghans included.

Christians vs Muslims - Age Old Rivalry in the 21st Century

From the time of the crusades, when Richard the Lion heart and his valiant knights went to rid Jerusalem from the saracen menace, and their satanic ruler Saladin. Today, Jews occupy this sacred land, unfortunately. So the Rivalry between Muslims and Christians dates back to about 1095 when Pope Claremont hitched up his robe and screamed “kill the bastards” to the Council of Claremont. This was a holy war that lasted about 200 years. You don’t come out of 200 years of clashing broadswords and scimitars and say “fuck it, lets hug each other and forget about it.” No siree! 200 years is about the time it would take for hatred to be firmly encoded in the genes and the sub-conscious. The hatred between the infidel white devils and the terrorist Muslims. So if you are a Muslim hatin on the Christian white man, or a white man hatin on the Muslims – it is not your fault! Blame it on your forefathers who didn’t have Foxtel or sex toys, so had to get their kicks by acting out Rambo 4 .

Terrorism is a two sided light saber - like the one Darth Maul has. You can't point it at someone without it pointing at you. The perceived victim is also a terrorist, but in a more subtle way. So how do the Christian terrorists attack the Muslims? Simple! Apply cruel and crippling sanctions on already poor countries through the puppet UN, supporting Israel and killing that poor hapless bastard Saddam Hussein. How do the Mulsim terrorists retaliate? By blowing up the WTC and recruiting useless jack-asses like Dr Hanifa and David Hicks. The fact that both religions are steeped in violence doesn't help either. Moses slaughtered thousands including the Cainites, and Mohamed preached Jihad. However, the Quran does promise seven sexy virgins in heaven, so the Muslims may be slightly more partial towards death i.e. suicide bombings etc. Terrorism backed with a lot of Christian money manifests itself as a fight against human rights violations. Terrorism without money -Mulsim terrorism -manifests itself as blowing up buildings and infrastructure. Both forms cause untold grief.

There is one simple axiom in the animal kingdom. You fuck with animals, they will eventually fuck you back – Steve Irwin is a prime example of this. The best thing to do is mind your own god-damn business, pull your troops out, shut your pie hole and give Israel to the rightful owners – the saracens.

I'm sure every Muslim harbors at least a tiny smidgen of ill will towards Christians, and every Christian views a Muslim as a potential terrorist, at least in a small way. This is absolutely OK. You don't have to deny it. You're trying to, but it's not working! We do not have to love each other to get along. We just have to respect each other and our diverse cultures.

Oh, and don't forget to vote for Hillary Clinton! Men have tried to bring peace to this world and fail. Now let's give the MILF a chance!

More religious mayhem

10 Worst Valentine's Day Gifts Ever - For A Woman

Guys please make sure your gift is not even remotely related to anything in the list below.

1. Give her homemade IOU cards saying “This obligates the bearer to have anal sex with yourname". On the reverse have, "The bearer may escape the contract by substituting oral or anal."

2. Create and dedicate a website to her, with fake nude images. – her face photoshp'ed onto the body of Jessica Biel.

3. Super sexy lacey black g-string, bra and stocking which are two sizes too small for her. Then suggest she wear the G-string as an eye-patch, the stocking on her arms, and play “fantasy pirates.”

4. A sexual health book titled “A Women’s Guide To the Joys Anal Sex”

5. A didlo that is ½ the size of your dick

6. Your dick covered in colourful wrapping paper and a cute bow, with a small card saying – "Happy valentine’s day, girls eat chocolate, real women eat meat."

7. A $5000 plastic surgery holiday in Romania, where Dr Vlad da Impaler promises to use genuine goat hide, instead of the cheap fake Taiwanese crap.

8. A brooch with a pin – if your valentine is a blow up doll.

9. A stretchy white t-shirt with the slogan “I swallow.”

10. Crocodile skin boots or handbags, because fake crocodiles are on the endangered list.

For more practical gifts with a slim chance of actually getting laid, go to 10 Most Popular Valentine's day gifts.

Britney Spears in Playboy's Top 25 Sexiest Celebs

Jeebus! WTF is going on. In which sick old pervert’s sick perverted drug addled mind is Britney Spears even remotely attractive? Oh, I forgot Hugh Hefner. Looks like old Hugh is high on pain killers and Viagra. Servicing three beautiful wives has obviously taken its toll on the old fool.

Britney is a dumb bimbo who comes from a white trash family. I mean her 17 year old slut of a sister is pregnant for Christ sake. Lucky she doesn't have a brother, otherwise he'd have ended up as the father. Ordinarily I don’t mind white trash, - i.e. Kylie Minogue - but Britney is the pits. Her father must be already investing her vast fortune in moonshine and TV dinners. The poll was carried out over the internet and the primary respondents were obviously socially challenged 13 year olds and paedophilic, half blind old coots. If sexy is defined as “shaved head and cunt” then Britney is super sexy. Maybe those candid cunt shots (eeek!) have had something to do with her appearing in this poll. Anyway, it’s patently obvious that Playboy has lost the plot and lost touch with it’s readers. Who in their right mind would want to have sex with Britney Spears apart from that dumb fuck Kevin Federline and the lobotomised Justin Timberlake? But, if you look at the other moronic celebs featured on the list - britney starts looking quite fuckable really. Looks like Playboy was thinking with its dick and re-defined the word sexy as below.


sexy (seksey)
adj., -i·er, -i·est.

1. Arousing or tending to arouse desire or interest in persons under 13 years and over 80 years of age.
2. Slang, describe any animal or thing that had sexual intercourse with that brainless amoeba named Kevin Federline.
3. Females with shaved cunts.


Poor Webster must be turning in his grave. Playboy is officially dead from today. Well almost dead anyway. Like the owner.

Back to Celebrity Central, for your daily fix.

I am Legend - Zombie knock off or truly legendary?

This is really an expensive zombie movie, without any real zombies in it, starring Will Smith. It starts out very promisingly with Dr Robert Neville (Will Smith) appearing to be the last man in the world. I mean how cool is that? At first he's doing what any normal guy would be doing - driving around in a fast car, toting a big gun, trying to shoot some animals, flipping through every porn magazine he can lay his hands on and a lot of Wanking. However, director Francis Lawrence seems to have left the latter two out.

For the first bit of the movie you are in awe. You get sucked into his lonely and intriguing world. Then the flashbacks start and you begin to think - oh f**k, these people are not dead, they could possibly be mutants. And then, it's bye bye 'I am Legend' and hello zombie movie. I don't mind a good zombie yarn, but it is so hard to digest CGI zombies that act like rabid animals ala Dick Cheney. Where is George Romero when you really need him. I was expecting Dr Neville to cure the female zombie he'd captured and turn her into a scantily clad kick-ass side kick to offer the teenage male viewers some respite. Sadly, this did not come to pass.

The Good- First 10 minutes is truly awesome. The scene where the zombies set the trap for Dr Neville is really haunting. His faithful dog is also a plus point.

The Bad- The zombies lay a beautiful trap for Dr Neville after learning by seeing him trap one of their own. This shows that the zombies are intelligent and that they posses cunning. So it's a pity this wasn't explored any further, and the zombies are portrayed as vicious, instinct driven animals. Why aren't they cannibalizing each other if they are so damn hungry? Does a zombie deer eat grass or other deer?

And the Ugly- CGI Zombies. They have no character and frankly, look really corny.

Alternative movies - Shawn of the Dead, Resident Evil, 28 Weeks.

Superbad - superbad or just plain bad?

At first glance it looks like another "loser try'n to get laid" movie. On second glance you may notice that one of the losers is also fat. If you look past the gratuitous foul language and real-life documentary on the LAPD that director Greg Mottola squeezed in, you will find something really ironic and partly satisfying. Like half a bottle of fat free bacon.

Seth (Jonah Hill) want's to get Jules drunk so he can sleep with her. His best friend Evan (Michael Cera) really respects Becca whom he has the hots for. Both losers think that the girls don't like them.The irony is that girls really do like the boys. The real irony is that, Jules wants to have sex with Seth, but won't because he's drunk. Also, the fact that Becca is drunk and wants to have sex with Evan is also ironic, because Seth is the one who wanted a drunk chick and Evan a sober one. This movie will give hope to countless geeks and nerds. Hope that they can one day be in with a remote chance of having sex with a hot chick. It is this cheesy 'happy ending' that rubbishes the movie. In which universe will a fat nerd get to go out with a popular girl? Hello! I mean we're not living on planet 'whack job' are we?

The Good- The irony is beautifully crafted. Seth stating "we can be that mistake."

The Bad- The documentary on the LAPD they squeezed in with the help of a third character called McLovin.

And the Ugly- Period stain on jeans

Alternatives - American Pie 1&2, Loser

10 Most Popular Valentine's Day Gifts.

Chocolates, roses and the faint possibility of sex. Is this what valentine's day has become all about? The true beginnings of this day have been lost in the annals of time. Although there is a faint smell of earlier Christian martyrs all conveniently named valentine, and the British poet Chaucer. Valentine's day used to be about exchanging small hand written notes with cute unimaginative poems and trite phrases. With the faint hope that they will get you at least to third base. So what has changed?

The big multinational companies have decided that in addition to losing your dignity and possibly your virginity, you should also lose a little fat from your wallet. However, the faint hope of getting to third base still remains. So, what has changed is our media indoctrinated belief that we have to spend heaps of money for that faint hope.

Everyone knows that the gift that has the highest probability of getting you laid is a roofie. But since we all don’t have the balls -especially most women- to slip our partner one, let us look at the most common gifts that people give each other. We shall also rate them on the probability that you will get sex in return. This will be called he laid-ability factor. 100% means you're getting lucky and 0% means 'hello Mrs palm and her five daughters.' They are ranked in reverse order.


10. Hallmark card
Do not bother with this. The poem is written by a computer and an innocent tree was killed for the paper.
Laid-ability: Less than 0%. If your girlfriend is a tree hugger you may also face the possibility of grievous bodily harm - and I don't mean the enjoyable kind.

9. A single red rose
Nothing says ‘I couldn’t be bothered’ more than a single red rose.
Laid-ability: 0%.

8. Dozen red roses
12 times better than 9 above.
Laid-ability: 12 times 0%is still 0%.

7. Expensive Chocolates
Always a fairly safe bet. If you like betting on the three legged greyhound called ‘slowbiscuit.’
Laid-ability: 90% if she’s a fat sexy chocoholic. Be warned that the amount of chocolate required may vary depending on how fat the walrus is. And how badly you want to mount the animal. 0% if she’s a bulimic super model. So on average about 45%..

6. Sexy lingerie
Lingerie is a present for you, not for her. It will never look the same on her as it did on the chick who modeled it on the internet.
Laid-ability: 20%. Chances are you won’t even get to see her in it. But it shouldn’t matter because you can always go to the website where it was modeled on that ‘hot chick’ and spank the monkey.

5. Diamond ring
Expensive – only if you are rich. A platinum cobra which coils around the finger and has two huge 75 carat diamond eyes is very tasteful.
Laid-ability: 50%

4. Fake diamond ring
Same as above – except it’s genius. Unfortunately you still have to be rich or a bank robber, otherwise she will suspect something.
Laid-ability: Same as 4 above.

3 Exotic Car
Like an Enzo ferrari or a Honda Civic Type-R. Oh yeah! This is usually what a rich old pervert will give his girlfriend who is 50 years his junior.
Laid-ability: 75%. She will give the old fool a cheque for sex his poor dick won’t be able to cash.

2. Saying “I love you”
Please do not use this line if you are just looking for sex. Unless your partner is deaf, you only have 2 days to live, or you are a Necrophiliac pervert and you just eloped with someone from the mortuary- and I don't mean the attendant.
Laid-ability: 90%. Pre 'I love you' sex is like the lush Amazon forest. Full of anacondas, squealing animals and insatiable piranhas. Post 'I love you sex' is like Antarctica. Frozen, dead and if you go looking for action you'll probably do a 'Robert Scott' before you find anything.

1. Holiday in a way off resort.
Take your partner to a far off resort where there are no sudoku books, and the native fauna is really ugly. This way she will be so bored that she will be forced to have sex with you and not the native fauna - provided you are marginally more attractive than the fauna.
Laid-ability: 99.99%. Because when it comes to women and sex, there is no such thing as a sure thing.

As Mark Anthony said 'lend me your ears.' He did Cleopatra so he know what he's talking about.
Anyway, the best gift you can give a woman is your ears. Not literally like Van Gogh, but metaphorically like listening to what she has to say. Rasputin and Casanova didn't need chocolates and roses to get into womens' pants, so why do we? This Valentine's day give your partner something thoughtful and stay way from the mass produced, media supplied drivel.