Monday, March 17, 2008

Creative Ways To Increase Traffic To Your Blog

Let us assume, in the unlikely instance that you have a half decent site or blog with some really valuable content, however unlikely it may seem, and you wish to increase traffic to your site. You’ve read about creating traffic on 10 billion other sites and they all say the same damn bull every time. Be patient and have original content, blah blah blah. Well, not all of us have the patience of Jobe, the creative albeit culinary genius of Hanibal Lector and the sad optimism of 'the little engine that could.' So, listed below is what a common person can use to generate some buzz. Ideas welcome!

Porn sites attract wankers like a fat turd attracts flies. But since the pious people at Google prevent you from using adsense on porn sites. So create a cheap porn site in a separate domain. Then put a link on the porn site that directs a user to your original website when a wanker/user clicks on a link that says “Click here for upskirt pics of Hillary Clinton.” This way everybody (google, you) is happy except the gay sucker that wanted to see Hillary's snatch.

Create 100 other meaningless and utterly useless sites and link to your main blog from those rubbish sites. This will bump up your authority to 100 on Technorati. This gives good bragging rights, but excluding that, it will be meaningless and useless. Lets face it, Technorati is like the waiting list for a critical operation in the US public health system. You can get your name on the list and progress up the list, but at the end of the day, there is still no help for your sorry ass.

Cause controversy. Go to a Jewish website and post an article on why Hitler was such an awesome dude. Or go to a Muslim/Islam website and post an article explaining how Jesus would kick Mohammad's ass if they ever got into an MMA match. Don’t forget to leave links back to your site. Also, be wary of parcels in the mail and gentlemen with big beards.

Login as 'anonymous' and comment on your own posts. Make sure to really bag your own posts and insult the hell out of yourself. Referring to yourself as either Hitler, Jewish or homosexual will be a nice touch. This way it will look like a lot of people give a shit about your opinions. This gives your site credibility and might spread traffic via word of mouth.

Send out a chain mail to all your friends with some stupid crap ass sob story about a boy who lost his thumbs playing too mush PS3 or about a family dog that has lost one testicle to the neighbors cat. Ask for money in the email for some operation that cannot be pronounced in one breath. Give your Paypal account and have a link back to your site. You might get a couple of donations on top of some good traffic. And feel free to ask for sexual favors. Just because you lost both your thumbs doesn't mean someone else can't give you a hand job.

Beam me up Scotty - Geek central.

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