50 years of Lego. Where the heck has our imagination gone.

Lego celebrates an amazing 50 years today. With 7 Lego sets being sold every second. If we use $15 as the average cost of a Lego set, then this works out to about $105 per second. To put this in context and show you how amazing it is, that’s just slightly slower than the rate at which a fat ass Australian Rail Corp executive would make money from bribes and commissions

Lego has changed a lot. In the good old days Lego sets had a lot less specialized pieces. You had to use your imagination along with the bricks to build something. You could build a car, house, boat, spaceship with one good reasonably sized set. But now, the child's imagination has been sucked out of their heads by big media companies and fed back to the now brain dead kids in the form of vinyl wrapped video game and DVDs. I curse the day Steven Spielberg created Jurassic Park. This was the movie that paved the way for the whole hearted raping of our imagination. The only thing that's left to the imagination now is the grand parents having sex..... er maybe not. I'm sure that on a sticky shelf, in some run down DVD parlour, in some rat infested back-alley there is a movie titled "grandpa goes anal on grandma."

Lego has had no choice but to evolve to keep pace with this change in children's thinking - or lack of. Lego now comes with a story or is associated with some franchise. Bionicle, Star wars, Batman, Emmanuelle etc. The list goes on and on, like an impotent man on viagra i.e. Hugh Hefner. Sad as it may seem this is the only way to capture the imagination now. The imagination that was lost in the glossy packaging of mass digital media.

It's really sad that Lego has to give kids the bricks and then tell them in exact detail what to make with the bricks. Gone are the days where the Lego sets had lots of pictures of things you could make on the boxes with a very few directions- giving you ideas instead of instructions. Toys like Lego should enhance and challenge our imagination not replace it. However, we should also actively challenge our imagination. So let’s start today with a small exercise.

Before I go. I have to bring up the point of multiculturalism, and Lego's assiduous avoidance of it. When are we going to see black criminals, Asian prostitutes, skanky sheilas, homosexual hairdressers and child abusers in the Lego Man lineup? Sorry, I mean Lego person lineup. On second thought, let's leave out child abusers because I think there are Lego Priests.

The imagination test.
To test how creative you are, see if you can imagine what the union of the couples listed below will result in. The further away you are from the listed answers, the more imaginative you are.

1. Katie Homes and Tom Cruise
2. Batman and Barbie
3. T-Rex and a Whale
4. 50 Cent and Paris Hilton
5. Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton


Here are the answers. So how imaginative were you?
1. L. Ron. Hubbard's love child - Suri Cruise.
2. Pink batmobile with two soft airbags, a cute tail and dents on all the corners of the fenders.
3. A whole bunch of Japanese whalers ending up as Sushi for once instead of the whales.
4. Paris Hilton with a new appreciation for the phrase "Pain in the ass."
5. Bill Clinton having sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky. Because Hillary has a dick and Bill is not a homosexual.

The testament in the language of Lego.

Colonel Sanders vs Ronald McDonald

This aims to answer the age old question. If colonel Sanders laid the smackdown on Ronald Mcdonald, who would win? Let us compare these two pro wrestlers and see who turns out to be Rocky Balboa and who ends up as side of beef.


1. Special abilities.

Colonel
Gravitation - Can be turned on by lacing the floor with chicken pieces slathered in oil. Once you step on a slimy chicken breast your feet will try to kick your head, but your head will be doing river dance on the floor. Gravity reversal! People caught in this must remember to keep their mouths tightly shut because stepping on a piece of slimy chicken is no where near as deadly as accidentally swallowing one.

Ronald McDonald
Army of Midget Trolls -An army of tubby, greedy and loathsome children who would at the drop of a hat, squeal like unhealthy pigs and send their parents to a mental institute for a plate of fries. Ronald has also armed them under the guise of distributing toys. For example those little stuffed dogs can be stuffed down throats to aid suffocation, those little action figures can be held in those small fists to make effective knuckle dusters and those pasta forceps make fine eye gougers.

The Deadly Tick - A devastating weapon of subterfuge. By paying enormous bribes to the Heart Foundation and threatening them with a shortened lifetime supply of burgers, Ronald has obtained the Heart Foundation’s Tick of approval. Now the sworn enemies of Ronald's empire -healthy citizens- will be drawn to the poisonous fast food chain like moths to a F16 jet engine.

Mimic -Ronald has started mimicking the colonel by offering food that is similar in design and unhealthy-ness to the colonels fare. i.e. the devious "Crispy Chicken range." Now fat-ass families can sate their chicken lust and burger lust at one place. Kill two fat kids with one stone.


2.Social Responsibility (Tree hugging)

MacDonald’s uses the entire cow - meat, hooves, testicle, brain etc to make burgers. They are saving a lot of cows by squeezing out the maximum out of just three cows. Also it should be noted that the meat patties contain a lot of vegetable refuse such as carrot tops and potato peel. As a matter of fact there is so little meat in them that they are actually safe for vegetarians. The vegetarian patties are actually meat patties without the meat flavouring. Thus, they have the support of animal activists worldwide.

The colonel on the other hand sells real pieces of chicken so he's out of luck - no beaks, feet and feathers for him. Maybe he has some super lab where they grow breast pieces, drumsticks and wings on the bodies of giant rats. Anyway, the colonel recycles the oil left over from frying chicken as a lubricant for his trucks and for sex. Nah, kidding about the sex- one thing you do not want is a hungry wife and a dick that smells and tastes like a KFC sausage.


3. Social Irresponsibility (Tree logging)

Ronald McDonald being the pervert that he is, targets children. After all it's highly unlikely that any ordinary woman would be attracted to his sick clown-like features. Unless of course, she's blind, has an extra chromosome and is quite dead. I have always found it disturbing that their ads are tailor made for children. At least they don’t target fat ugly kids, but that’s probably because fat kids are already suckling at Ronald’s titties anyway, and nobody cares about ugly kids.

Everyone know that hashish is one of the secret herbs in the colonel’s recipe. That is the only reason why people without a death wish and who do not want to be on "Biggest Loser" keep on turning up to eat the filth. If you roll a piece of KFC skin and smoke it you'd be like a gay man who just had sex in a burning room. Happy, Full of smoke, full of something warm and sticky and your ass will start hurting later.


Verdict

Ronald takes short cuts, takes no prisoners, has no conscience and has yellow spandex supported balls. He knows every dirty trick in the book- No, not the bible. Ronald will lay such a smackdown on Sanders that the poor colonel will feel like a Texan Bull just made homosexual love to him. Ronald MacDonald is the clear winner.

A video of the colonel and the clown going at it.

Why All The Wailing About Japanese Whaling?

Here is a good ethical and intelligent conundrum that should be put to those sea pirates that call themselves animal rights activists. Yep, I mean the wankers from Sea Shepard and the tossers from Green Peace's anti-whaling Corps.

If you had the chance to kill a whale and feed it to starving children, what would you do? Well, we all know what those whale lovers would do. Skin the starving children and make dinghies so that they can molest the Nisshin Maru, like sex starved sperm after an egg.

What Japan should do is use part of the profit from the err... whaling research to help needy children in some 3rd world country. This would ordinarily cause a moral dilemma to any sane animal rights activists and possibly even Klingons. The only problem is that the anti-whaling activists are from the planet Beluga-5, where they make sweet passionate love to those damn sexy fish (if it lives in the sea, it’s a fish).

If you want to teach Japan a lesson – and you don’t want another Hiroshima- all you have to do is boycott Japanese products until they admit that the only research they are doing with whales is finding out how good they taste. This means no Honda Civic type-Rs, no Play Station 3s, no Bravia HD-TV and most importantly of all no Pokemon. Lack of Pokemon would probably cause more havoc than the lack of credit in the current credit crunch.

Please don't get me wrong. I love animals - especially the taste of them. But seriously, I guess the problem is that world hunger and children dying of starvation and disease is a really a hard picture to swallow. The price of failure is cold stark death. Lots of people find this unpalatable, like broccoli. Contrast this to anti-whaling, where the price of failure is sashimi. This is not only a more palatable ending, but tastes darn good too with some wasabi. If I were to fail at something. I’d rather the consequences be yummy sashimi than a dead kid.

Wake up ordinary people and whale-o-phile freaks, and smell the blubber! Let's get our priorities straight. Ferrari, people, whales – that is the natural order of the universe.

As a wise man(me) once said. ‘It is better to fail at saving a child’s life than be successful at saving a whale. For the first shows a noble heart, the latter just shows that you’re a jack-ass.’

The only way to make this problem go away is for MacDonald’s to start serving a blubber burger along with the other fattening filth they dish out. People who eat big Macs have obviously stopped worrying about the poor cows being slaughtered. So once they start eating blubber burgers, they’d forget about the slaughter of whales.

Cooking whale meat