The Wankiest, Most Moronic April Fools Jokes You Can Pull

Want to find out how you can pwn a colleague at work this April 1st with these fantastic ideas for some really original April fools pranks.

Get pregnant by your boyfriend a couple of months before April fool's day. Then, on the day, go up to your boy friend and say, 'honey aren't you glad I'm not pregnant?'

Select a friend who has a fairly common car for this. Obtain a good hefty baseball, and take to his car like Ryu in the car smashing bonus round in Street fighter. Once his car has been done in, take a couple of pics of the car making sure that the number plate is not clearly visible. Then send him a mail with the pics saying 'Man, I'm so glad this is not your car.'

Rock up to your boss and yell, 'you scum sucking penny pinching ass wipe. I fucked your wife, screwed your mother and raped your daughter, and your daughter enjoyed it. I'm fucking quiting this piece of trash job.' After that quickly add, 'Happy April fool ass hole!'

Walk up to that sexy co-worker you've been ogling for a long time and say, 'I'd like to have hot monkey lovin sex with you.' If she looks shocked, quickly says it's an April fools joke, before she slaps you in the face. If, however, it appears that she may actually be considering the proposition because she's never had sex with the abominable snowman before, leave out the April fool part and take her to bed. You might want to try this out on other less sexy women also.

Get down on one knee and ask her to marry you. Find out once and for all if she's ok just having sex or whether you'll have to dump her because she wants more, without any pressure of actually having to marry her.

Is the New Euro Civic type-R (FN2) For Posers? Has Honda Japan Given It the Cold Shoulder?

Honda's latest little rice machine the the Euro civic type-R or the FN2 civic type-R seems to be killing it's competition in the UK and making inroads in Australia. However, the question that needs to be asked - that no one wants to ask - is, 'Is the Euro civic type-R for posers?' More importantly has Honda Japan (rice boy headquarters) disowned the FN2-R ?

Lets look at the facts. Type-Rs have come to represent the best of Honda's technology and racing spirit. There is always something a little raw about a type-R. From it's vtec lobes down to the LSDs, there has is something angry about it. The engine is not like a cheetah (v8 hemi), but like a house hold dog whipped close to point of death to make it run as fast. This high revving, squealing, albeit low-torque engine is what has endeared it to the rice boy community.

Let's have a look at the past Rs. You have the DC2, DC5 type-Rs. All made in japan and available in Japanese variants and export variants. You have the Ek9 also made in Japan. Then you have the Ep3 type-R. Made in the UK, but finished in japan for the Japaneses domestic market. The now legendary FD2 civic type-R (FD2-R for short) made in Japan and sold exclusively in Japan and recently in Malaysia. So what of the FN2 Euro/Australian civic type-R (FN2-R for short)? Well it's made in the UK and not officially imported into japan. Why would the Japaneses want that 3-door piece of crap? They have the mighty FD2-R that laps Tsukuba circuit to within a second of the NSX. Sure, the ride is harsh and you may end up with your liver in your lung cavity and your balls a the back of your throat, but it's uncompromising, and that is what makes it a type-R. But, the dead-give away as to the fact that Japan has quietly disowned the Euro civic is the paint! The Euro civic type-R is not available in championship white!. Every other type-R worth it's synthetic oil was offered in championship white except the 3-door. Because Rice boy headquarters in Tokyo (Honda, Japan) have deemed it unworthy to wear the legendary paint.

The FN2 makes a fine first type-R for anybody. But for hard core ricers who have owned something like a DC2-R before, driving the Euro type-R is like eating a hoof after you have tasted a wagyu beef steak. The only hope is the 260bhp Euro civic type-R R. Yes that's two 'R's. And yes, it comes in championship white!

Cory Worthington - Party Liaison

Is this dumb maggot (aged 16) australia's best export? Ever since he trashed his parents' house by throwing a party for 500 people in January this year, he's shot to notoriety. A UK wannabe try-hard by the name of Sarah Ruscoe threw a party for 2000 guests at her father's 21 room mansion a couple of weeks back for her 18th birthday. But let's face it, it's a piss poor attempt at imitating Cory. Sarah's father is rich and he's got a 21 room mansion. That's almost royalty, and royalty can be excused, because they are essentially inbred idiots, Prince Charles - case in point. Cory on the other hand is basically Australian middle-class white trash. The cops that came to break up Cory's bash threatened to slap his parents with a $20,000 fine. They were obviously very angry because the beer and weed were all finished by the time they turned up.

Anyway looks like Cory has shored up a deal with UK mobile giant 02 to do some publicity. This is the fruit of his and his parents' hard labour. Of course his parents were in on it. They feigned shock and outrage (so they wouldn't have to pay the angry police) and quickly went running to one of Australia's trashiest current affairs shows "A Current Affair" to give their son some exposure. The parents' are smart, because let's face it, they know that their loser son is not going to amount to anything more than a mentally retarded gas station attendant jelly fish. Does this moron represent Australian youth in general? To a certain extent he does. The minor discrepancy is that he doesn't do drugs. Especially ice, which is becoming more popular than sex with the youth, because you have to pay less for ice.

Cory Worthington is now synonymous with Australia, eclipsing Tom Cruise escapee Nicole Kidman and those furry creatures that never bath- the Koala's. He's probably doing more for Australian tourism than that bimbo model Lara Bingle or that precocious crocodile torturer Bindi Irwin. At least now when you mention Australia people will scream Cory Worthington, rather than give you a blank stare and drool from the side of their mouths. But the most important question is will this get him some action, and by action I mean sex? I'm sure there are heaps of young, pretty and ugly virgins who would love to give it up to Cory Worthington - party liaison. Yes, he has it made.

Cory enters Australian Big Brother House

Life Help For Geeks, Nerds and Dorks

You're a geek with no social life outside of your computer and no friends outside your tissue box. You know what happened in all the episodes of TOS, TNG, DS9 & Voyager. You know how to hot-wire R2D2, you know how long Yoda's dick is and you fantasize about princess Leia. Oh, yeah! welcome to land of the geeks. People say we have no social skills, motor skills and we cannot attract the opposite sex. They are probably correct! So, here is a multi-part article on how a geek/nerd/dork and learn to be less geeky/nerdy/dorky and eventually, even get laid- by a real woman!

Geeks guide to the opposite Sex
The first article in this series is about girls. How to meet and greet a girl. No, your sexy sister and milf mum do not count. It's hard to meet a girl when you never get up from World of Warcraft. And, the hot women you come across on the social networks sound suspiciously like little nerds using female avatars so they can touch themselves. Plus, Let's face it, I've never seen an attractive geek so chances are you ain't that pretty.

1. Acclimatization. First you need to go someplace where there are real women- Not the morgue- I mean real live women. The supermarket, Uni or the local shops are ideal. Ask your mum if you can get anything for her from the shops so you have an excuse to go to these places. Observe the women and try not to giggle and try not to get a hard-on.

2. First Contact. After a few outing, when you next pass a woman along an aisle, or in a corridor at your Uni, you might want to drag your eyes off her breasts and look at her face, smile and say a casual Hi. It would help if your geek mind was to stop imagining every woman in some hentai leather suit in the course of the 'Hi', so your eyes don't look like lascivious x-ray goggles.

3. Engage! Next, stretch your Hi, to 'Hi, nice day isn't it?' or some other mundane non-sci-fi comment. Target quite a few girls and select the ones with the most encouraging responses, i.e. the one that don't slap you across the face. You should then focus your energies on these women. You might soon be having decent conversations with them as time->oo (infinity).

Do talk about

• Homework - too much of it and why it sucks.
• TV shows you may find excruciatingly lame, like ER, desperate housewives, and if she's fat and black, then Oprah Winfrey
• Ask her questions about herself - not bra size, and thong color, but 'what she did over the week end, how she found the last assignment etc.
• Tell her how good her boobs look and that you can just make out the outline of her nipple if you look hard enough- just kidding moron. Have you learned nothing yet?
  

Do NOT talk about

• Star trek, especially seven-of nine, especially in that figure hugging painted-on spandex.
• Star wars, especially princess Leia, especially in that hot little bikini number.
• Calculus or computers or any form of mathematical, computerific or science-fictionistic mumbo jumbo.
• Basically anything that interests you.

4. To seek out new life. Now let's find a non-threatening place(for you) where you can meet a nice girl that doesn't need an air-pump. How about a convention? You get heaps of star trek, star wars, gaming, comics and cosplay conventions. Why not try there? Be warned, that because female 'trekkies' are few and far between, competition for this scarce resource is fierce. But you have prior training. You can look at a woman's eyes and not at her breasts. You can talk to a woman for 1 minute without a single reference to Darth Maul or Jean Luc Picard.

5. Patience. Coruscant wasn't built in a day. If you can kill 100 million wild boars to increase your skill level to 60 in World of Warcraft, then you can easily stick to this plan.

6. Boldly go where no man(geek) has gone before. 1st base! I'm not going to tell you how to get a woman's bra off, because if you can eliminate the Locust Horde and destroy the Flood, a bra clasp is child's play. You can practice on your sister's bra. Preferably while your sister is wearing it. What the heck you might as well practice first base on her too if she's hot.

Stay tuned for the Geeks Guide to recreational drugs and alcohol. Coming soon.

Heather Mills Jokes

Mills and McCartney matching T-shirts.

Why is Sir Paul McCartney a bigger idiot than disgraced US attorney Eliot Spitzer?
Because Spitzer spent $1000 an hour on a call girl for two hours, and Sir Paul McCartney spent $1500 a day on a 3rd rate hooker for 4 years!

What is the difference between Linda McCartney and Heather Mills?
We wish Linda wasn't dead.

Is it fair that Heather Mills asked for a $60,000 equestrian allowance, even though she doesn't ride?
Fair, because horses don't ride, they are ridden.

Which part of Heather Mills isn't a conniving money grubbing bitch?
Her prosthetic leg.

Rambo and Heather Mills are locked up in separate animal infested Jails with no food. Who survives longer?
Rambo takes out his hunting knife, kills the rats and eats them - he survives for 1 month before the rats run out. Heather Mills has no problem drinking rats' milk, so she can survive indefinitely. But she doesn't need to, because un-dead vampires are hard to kill and apparentl y harder to shut up.

Knock, Knock, who's there?
The hooker we-hate-her the litigious faker (sung according to "the butcher the baker the candlestick maker")
Ah, please come in Mrs Mills.

"I know a person with a wooden leg named Heather."
"Is other leg name crazy bitch?"

Back to Celebrity Central, for your daily fix.

Creative Ways To Increase Traffic To Your Blog

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Let's Kill the Chocolate Peddling Evil Easter Bunny

Easter is around the corner and those big evil companies are opening their Adamantium cages to let out that most fearful of scourges. Yes I mean those viscous paedophillic creatures that exclusively target little children - The easter bunny.

Ever since the poor Aztecs rotted their teeth drinking chocolate in 1100BC, before Mr Cortes came and put a stop to all the teeth rotting by cutting off their heads, chocolate has continued to rot the teeth of thousands of children. The bunny and the egg are also ancient symbols of fertility. The egg because it represents birth and the bunny because it humps like well... a bunny. Anyway in the 18th century some crazy Hitlers (sorry, I mean Germans ) decided that a genetically mutated bunny would actually lay the easter eggs. And so the monster was born. Fast forward to today and the easter eggs have turned into chocolate and the cute bunny into a vile monster that rivals Godzilla and Mothra. Worse because those Japanese monsters were mythical and stupid, whereas the Easter Bunny is real, crafty and supported by evil slave labour supporting chocolate Borg-like empires.

Easter has been subverted by Cadburys, Nestle etc. Now it's just a vessel to sell more chocolate to dumb and dumber children and parents. You think you are buying chocolate for your children, but you are really lining the fat pockets of those socially irresponsible chocolatiers. So this Easter lets Kill the fucking feaster bunny. I don't mean literally by repeatedly stabbing the bunny with a Rambo knife and then curb stomping it's head into the ground. I mean metaphorically by not buying tons and tons of chocolate to feed your already obese little whales aka children. Why? Not because I care about the health of your little whales, or because I care about Christ's hard-to-believe re-birth, but because I hate it when companies subvert something so they can make a buck out of it. Especially off yougnlings.

There is a sucker born every minute - let someone else have a turn at being that sucker

14 Deadly Sins Explained in Modern Language

Here are the original 7 deadly sins, or to put it in layman's terms Sins for which you can kiss a comfortable afterlife good bye - unless you are an undersea worm that loves heat. But then you'll need water and that's complicated. We'll start with the original sins followed by the new ones (go direct).

Lust: Yeah all you sexual perverts are going o end up in hell quick smart. Excessive surfing for porn will do it as will playing over 100 hours of DoA Xtreme Beach Volleyball.

Gluttony: Stay the hell away from that second serving of ice cream you Lucifer worshiping glutton. Oh, and don't go berserk at buffets. Fat people beware, you are on a one way trip to the land of the anti-Christ

Greed: Trying to make money on the internet by having 1000 pop-ups and adsense scattered all over your blog? Say hello to Satan for me.

Sloth: Get up from in front of your damned gaming console and help your mum with some chores. All gaming consoles except the Wii are tools of the devil, because they force you to sit on your ass all day. The Wii which encourages physical activity is the angel of light, while the Xbox360 and the PS3 are demons of darkness.

Wrath: To all those hell-seeking wrath mongers who hated Osama Bin Laden with all their heart and wished him dead - Don't forget to send me a postcard from hell.

Envy: Stop salivating over your neighbors slammed ZO6 and please stop salivating over his sexy sexy girl-friend whos legs start from her neck and who always wears skimpy bathers when she's washing the ZO6.

Pride: So you got yourself all the way to no 1 in the Gears of War multi-player leader-board and you're feeling mighty proud! Say hello to the land that will freeze over if George Bush were to best a monkey in an IQ test.


Here are the new sins added recently by the Vatican. That super-rich little country within a city where that pope dude lives. See pics of the Vatican.

Bio ethical violations such as birth control: Looks like you will have to resort to porn. If not we are going to see an explosion of little Christian babies.

Morally dubious experiments such as stem cell research: Remember that tomato that was spliced with a salmon. I think it was to make tomatoes more resistant to cold or to make salmon easier to catch by resembling tomatoes and not having any fins. Anyway, those geneticists, the tomato and the salmon are now in all probability, suffering hell!

Drug abuse: This includes prescription drugs as well as the usual hard-core stuff. I hope Heath ledger is not finding it too hot up there.

Polluting the environment: Remember the time you pissed in the river? You thought it was fun didn't you? Well Buddy, do I have news for you.

Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor: The only guilty party is taxes! And the god-damn governments that administer the taxes. Taxes are like an anti Robin Hood, it steals from the poor and gives to the rich.

Excessive wealth: Unfortunately not many of us will be guilty of this. One Ferrari Enzo -OK. But ten Ferraris- come on. It's lucky that all those middle eastern camel humping oil sheiks are Muslims, and Muslims don't go up to Christian hell, because if they did go to hell, Satan would be having one hell of a race riot on his hands. Bill Gates knew about this and he continues to give away his wealth. Smart man!

Creating poverty: If you lose your job, your wife, your wealth and hit the streets as a beggar, you are creating poverty. Under no circumstances are you to suddenly become poor and create poverty. Because if you do, Bye bye, happiness. Hello, loneliness. I think I'm a-gonna cry-y.

Ways Of Making Japanese Whaling More Acceptable

Click image for larger picture

Whaling is like a half squeezed zit. It just wont go away. So instead of fighting it lets find out ways in which we can make it more acceptable to the general public.

Other whale stuff

• Original 'funny' whaling article here
• Pics of yummy whale meals