Sing-Along Celebs

Ever wondered what a Celebrity's life would be like in the words of a limerick? If you have then you are in the right place. If you haven't, then it's about time you did. Select your celebrity below and go onto a fun, catchy and informative string of hilarious limericks. This is a work in progress, so more celebs will be added on as time goes by.

Paris Hilton
Oprah Winfrey
Britney Spears

Big Brother 2008 Australia. Something Different

Looks like the shit is about to hit the fan this April when big brother fires up on channel Ten again. Ten is trying desperately to revive this sodden biscuit of a show by including fresh new hosts; Angry sonafabitch Radio Jock Strap Kyle Sandilands and his beautiful, but somewhat dim witted co-host Jackie-O. Kyle has stated that he wants to see an interesting house. Duh! Not a house just filled with 20-something jobless losers. He wants to see grumpy old men. Well screw him, we don't want to see grumpy old men itching their balls and cleaning their dentures. We want to see sexy house mates like UK BB's Channel Haye's in hot G-strings and uncensored antics that annoy the RSPCA such as turkey slappin, and monkey spanking.

It looks like the Big Brother franchise has exhausted all available aces. They've had a husband and wife team, a couple of gay perverts, shrews, beauties and even a lachrymal geek whose estimated IQ was about 10 points over the house average of 60. However, based on the current 'I don't think so' add campaign where they tough talk poor Johnny Howard, it looks like BB08 will bring back the good stuff like uncut, x-rated content. I sincerely hope that Mike is back with Fitzy and Bree for the FNL show. They are the best thing to happen to that pathetic mess, they called BB07, that at best wasted the cathode ray tube on many TVs and at worst contributed to the misconception that homosexual people are okay. Mike et all seemed to have a good energy and Bree's boobs are a real drool card, I meant draw card.

The only problem is how many smart people with decent jobs, responsibility and valuable opinions that extend beyond night clubs and dating have the time or the inclination to join the BB circus? None.

Here are some ideas that we might expect for BB08

• Homosexual woman. Come on channel Ten, nobody wants to see gay men.
• Person of the Islam faith, but preferably not someone who wanks off to Bin Laden.
• Catholic Priest, but preferably not one into sodomizing boys, because unfortunately we cant have young boys on the show.
  
• Really smart overachieving Asian person with all the personality of half a sea slug.
• Animal cruelty such as turkey slapping, monkey spanking and beaver beating.
• Designate one day a week as bra-and-knickers-only day.
• Designate all remaining days as tank-top-only days.
  
• Have a TV but only show porn, Today Tonight, A Current Affair or some other similar insanity or sexual urge inducing programs. Anna Coren gives me a bump in my pants!
  
• 'Who Dares Wins' style food such as dicks for women and beavers for men.
  
• Geek chick. A proper sexy one who plays WoW and Second Life. Not some fat crying wanker who insists 'I'm not crying' when he's clearly pissing out of his eyes.

Big Brother house mates

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Oprah Winfrey - Limerick Profile

There was once a nice woman called Oprah,
Who was as big as a polar bear on the tundra;
Except that she was black,
And had a huge rack,
And her hair kinda looked like a hydra.

She has famous talk show on the telly.
Where people talk about fat on their belly;
Fat ugly women chat,
About this diet and that,
And how not to go berserk at the Deli.

She has a leadership academy for girls,
Where they polish poor girls into pearls;
If by polish you mean rape,
With beating and no escape,
Those poor girls must be ripping out their curls.

Stedman Graham was her long time lover,
But was there any action under the cover?
Because Gayle King is hot,
And Oprah likes her a lot,
And it's much more fun lezzing out with each other.

Back to sing-a-long celebs for more limericks

Nissan GT-R. Will Godzilla Dominate The Tokyo Skyline?

470+hp and 580+Nm, 100kmph dash in 3.5 seconds.To give you an example as to how fast this is. If the GT-R were to race Justin Gaitlin -currently the fastest man on earth- by the time Gaitlin crosses the 100m finish line the GT-R has raced home and had sex with Gaitlin's wife, polished it's rims, had sex with Gaitlin's wife again and crossed the finish line 5 seconds ahead of Gaitlin. This Puppy has Nitrogen filled tires and more processing power than 10 PS3s put together. All though this car is not touted as the successor to the legendary skyline GT-R, we all know it implicitly is. So the question is how does it match up? On a track the stock GT-R will probably whip a stock skyline R34, but we're not interested int that crap. After all we don't buy cars to race around on a track. We buy a car that we think will satisfy some primal urge. The big minus is of course the fact that Nissan kept using a Porsche 911 to benchmark the GT-R. Did Leonardo Da Vinci need to benchmark his Mona-Lisa? Did Michaelangelo need to benchmark his David? What if they did? The Mona Lisa might have turned out to be actually pretty and David would have turned out to be quite well hung. My point is art doesn't need a reference.

There is no bigger legend than the R34, Except maybe Honda's B16A. It comes in R-Tune, Z-tune, M-spec-Nur and a host of other riceboy tunes and specs. It's got 4 wheel steering, AWD, twin turbos, transmission cooler, inter-cooler, water-cooler. it basically ticks all the boxes on every riceboys' wish list. The only thing it lacks is a back seat, but then again, it's not like a riceboy is ever going to get lucky with a girl. It's appeared in Jeremy Clarkson's Top Gear many times. It's appeared in 2F&2F. I mean how cool is that? The new GT-R on the other hand looks like a cross between the Big-Z(350Z) and the Mitsu Lancer. It's as distinctive as George W. Bush's IQ in a army of mentally challenged chimpanzees. It has no passion. No Flair. This is not a loud, crazy and brash riceboy's dream car. This is some high-powered executive's toy which he could use to try and pick up MILFs and impress hot school chicks.

Nothing in the world was close to the R34, except maybe sex with Kelly Hu. It could not be compared to anything, except maybe Kelly Hu, nude, lying on a bed. The New GT-R on the other hand fit's in well with the M3, SL55 AMG, RS6 and a host of other such Nazi machinery.

All About Cars, Riceboys And Ricegirls

Superhero Movie Review. Lamer Than A Dead Donkey?

The trailers for this movie promised so much. However, it looks like they took the best bits from the movie for the trailer. The rest of the movie is pretty crap. It's based quite closely along the Spiderman I storyline and is about a wanker/hero called dragon-dumb-ass-fly man, I think. This is firmly aimed at the imbecilic teenager age group. You can tell by the extended farting scene which lasted about 5 minutes -I kid you not- and was really painful. Believe me, even without the farting scene the movie would still stink. Like most 'gag' movies, this is full of the usual obligatory pop-culture references like iPods, Facebook, Google, Enron, etc. but there is nothing really creative in the way that they are mis-represented or 'gagged.'

The best gags were Tom Cruise acting like a nut on you tube and Leslie Nielson nailing the black friend's hand to the counter top with a nail gun. The black friend is pretty funny and he would have made a good sidekick to dragon-loser-fly man, and injected something different into the movie. Instead, all you get is a weird caricature of the spiderman movie with a couple of really unfunny gags and cheap super hero uniforms that look like they came from K-mart. Except for Pamela Anderson. She looks really hot as Invisible girl. Dang! Other super hero appearances include Xavier appearing as a black man - but not saying 'dawg' and 'for rizeal' like a proper homeboy, Wolverine shaving his legs with his Adamantium claws instead of licking his balls like a real animal and Mr Fantastic screaming 'flameo' instead of 'lameo' and turning into the human torch. Ouch!

On a day where you don't have anything more exciting to do than smashing your thumb with a hammer, go watch this movie. On the other hand considering the stupendous horribility of this move smashing your thumb might be the better option. Honestly the gags are lamer than a three legged donkey with a serious case of arthritis and a Fonzy haircut, and sadder than Michael Jacksons life. Wait for the DVD, and when it does comes out, bury it in the garden.

The Good- Leslie Nielson nailing that black-ass's hand with the nail gun. Hilarious

The Bad- Pretty much everything outside of Leslie Nielson and the nail gun.

The Ugly- Extended farting scene that puts fart-a-holics like Eddie Murphy to shame. The fart scene stinks so much that it will shit you. Trust me.

Alternatives- Gnawing your toes to the bone would be less painful.

Top 10 Reasons A Non-Tibetan Will Join The Anti-China Protest

Home of the Anti-Anti-China Protests. Here are the top 10 reasons a NON-Tibetan will join an Anti-China rally. It assumes that the 'NON-Tibetan' is of sound mind and is not a loser with too much time on their hands.

10. You notice that there are hot chicks protesting on your TV and you fancy your chances with them.

9. You hate China because although your iPod only costs $300 instead of $1000 because it's made in China, China still doesn't produce blow-up dolls.

8. Millions of children die in Africa due to lack of food an medicine but you prefer protesting because you want to shout and make a nuisance of yourself rather than actually help save people.

7. Terrorism and genocide in third world countries claim thousands of lives a year, but you don't want to protest 'THOSE' crimes because you might actually get hurt by people who would really hurt you. You just want it to look like you're being hurt by the cops.

6. You married a yak when you were on holiday in Tibet and you have family there.

5. Keanu Reeves like spent 7 years in Tibet and like Richard Gere is like the Dalai Lama's homy, so like wow, like you know, yeah protest or something. Like what-eva.

4. Got piss drunk with friends on Friday night. Went to sleep on the piss drenched pavement. Woke up with a Tibet flag draped around you, a French cop applying the choke hold around your neck and a Chinese torch guard preparing to round-house your head.

3. You wanted to prove Simon Cowell wrong at the Idol tryouts when he said that you were too ugly to be on radio let alone TV.

2. The Whaling has stopped, so you need a new job.

1. Your espoused governmental and spiritual leader of Tibet told you NOT to. But you thought we was winking when he said so.

Also see Why Are The Anti-China Tibet Protesters Ruining the Olympics for Everybody?

Paris Hilton - Limerick Profile

There was once a hottie called Paris,
Who was famous for being an heiress;
Till she met Rick Solomon,
Good grief, she swallows man,
Now we're on first names with her clitoris.

She's had heaps and heaps of pets,
From kinkajous, dogs to ferrets;
But her fave was a bitch,
By the name Nicole Ritch,
Who she dumped and now really regrets.

She gulps sushi like a swallowing whore,
But colas and soft drinks get a no;
Luvs injections to her behind,
Of the sticky hot beef kind,
But also orders a lot of Taco Bell to go.

Many think she's a dim witted tart,
But reality is - she's really not smart;
Her most quotable quote,
And one worthy of note,
Is "Do they like sell walls at Wal-Mart?"

Back to sing-along celebs for more limericks

Why Are The Anti-China Tibet Protesters Ruining the Olympics for Everybody?

Why do these Anti-China protesters assault the poor torch bearers and try to snuff out the flame? They attack poor innocent, and at times young people. It's terrible to see the torch bearer's face turn from sheer joy to abject horror as these protesting thugs attack them. They are disrespecting all the athletes who have trained hard and injected untraceable amount of steroids, the sponsors who have spent a small country's GDP to secure sponsorship and the sports fans.

The Dalai Lama has asked for the protests and the violence to stop fearing that there will be a backlash in China. Not that he's bothered about the people actually getting hurt due to the violence. Looks like nobody cares what the head of the exiled government and Spiritual leader have to say.

So the question remains as to who the heck are these protesters. Most of them don't even look vaguely Tibetan. I understand the plight and anger of a true Tibetan refugee who might still fear for his family and friends back in Tibet, and would wish his country to be free from Chinese rule. But western looking protesters who appear to have no Tibetan blood? Who the hell are they? Do these non-Tibetan losers have soo much time on their hands as to espouse this cause with such vigour? Did they perhaps once visit Tibet and get drunk there? Or maybe made love to a Yak and so have family there? Why don't they concentrate on more pressing issues such as world hunger and terrorism that claims lives of men, women and children everyday.

I must admit that I get a thrill out of watching police officers take down protesters. Reminds me of WWE and Nintendo's Pro Wrestling but without the pretense. But, I digress. China is going to host the Olympics, come hell or high water. So why spoil it for everyone. By all means protest as much as you want. Go trash all the Chinese embassies, picket outside the White house, abuse the UN and apply the cross-face chicken wing on all members of the Olympic committee. But, please do not bother people who have no interest in Tibet. Some of us have more important issues like terrorism in our countries to worry about.

The Olympics is global event. By spoiling it you don't engender sympathy, you engender hate. And you don't have to be a Buddhist or a Jedi Knight to know that hate leads to suffering. My only regret is that the police are not allowed to use batons, spear tackles, round-house kicks, Piranha Bites and the Flying Cross-Chop on these blasted protesters. If you have too much time on your hands. Contribute to saving starving children in Africa. You might not appear on TV but god will thank you.

See also Top 10 Reasons A Non-Tibetan Will Join The Anti-China Protest

IRAQ: US Soldiers Shoot Insurgents. Australian Soldier Shoots Himself

Ever since George W. Bush opened another can of Vietnam by invading Iraq, things have not looked good. 4000 US soldiers have thus far given their lives to this questionable cause with unquestioning bravery. These soldiers died killing insurgents! But, please spare a thought for Australian private Jacob Kovco (28) who died killing himself in April 2006. A Sydney inquiry has just recently comprehensively proved that private Jacob Kovco was arsing around and shot himself in the head. However, the Jury stated that solace could be gained by the fact that the shot was executed professionally. This inquiry almost 2 years after his death has justifiably angered his family. The inquiry also found out that while Kovco was busy shooting himself in his room, a fellow soldier was allegedly surfing for porn and another listening to music in the same room.

Private Kovco has outdone his US brethren. The US GIs kill insurgents. Sure, the insurgents are fanatical, but they are poorly trained, hungry, diseased and lack equipment. Private Kovco, on the other hand has shot a highly trained, professional, healthy soldier - himself. Kudos!

The moral of the story is that war really sucks, you'll get a jack-ass in every invasion, and he will most probably-rather than not-be from Australia. If you are going to send soldiers into a war zone. Send them to fight, not just hang around doing recon and protecting consulate staff.

Man Gets Pregnant. Very Fabric of the Universe is Threatened

Ever watched the movie 'Junior' starring the mayor of California and thought 'man that is really screwed.' Well, looks life imitating art. Or more accurately, A jackass called Thomas Beatie imitating a crap-ass movie.

His name is Thomas Beatie, aged 34, married to a woman called Nancy. He was recently seen on the Oprah Winfrey show talking about ethical issues. Forget ethical issues, the universe as we know it is under threat. Mr/Mrs/It Thomas started out as a woman, but has had plastic surgery and hormone therapy to become a man. No he didn't fuck himself. though that would have been the coolest thing ever. Imagine the headlines 'Man fucks himself and becomes pregnant.' Unfortunately, this is not so. Thomas had elected to keep his sexual organs (beaver) as they were, and was artificially inseminated. However, let us examine this amazingly complicated scenario that threatens to destroy the very fabric of our universe.

Originally Thomas was a woman who was in a relationship with Nancy. So let's assume Thomas was a lesbian and his/her partner Nancy was a lesbian. This assumes that Nancy is not some freak guy with a dick or two, or worse, an alien hermaphrodite, but a genuine woman - as God intended. Then, Thomas decided to become more masculine i.e. a man. Now his partner Nancy is a lesbian who is having a relationship with a guy, so she is theoretically a heterosexual lesbian. This makes Thomas a lesbian guy. Good Lord, poor God aka Yahweh must be turning in his grave. First the scourge of homosexuals and now this filth. What must a poor God do?

Now the universe is irrevocably shattered. What crazy thing are we to expect next? A homosexual US president? Winning the war in Iraq? George W. Bush beating a chicken in tic-tac-toe? Bill having sex with Hillary - and enjoying it? The universe as we know it is finished!