Lewis Hamilton Bitch Slaps Phillipe Massa

Not everyone 'gets' formula1. For some, it's bunch of overpaid guys going around and around on a track. For others, it's about their fanatical support for a team or a driver. For still others, it's a colossal waste of money and leaves a curb-stomped carbon foot-print on the environment. However, one thing we can all agree on is that Lewis Hamilton pwned Phillipe Massa at the Hokenheimring last weekend. Not only did Lewis bitch slap Massa, but he made Massa his bitch on that day. Massa could have held his ground and forced Lewis to bump into him, but no, he went onto the grass on two occasions to accommodate Hamilton. Successful race driver have a killer instinct. A never say die, never back down philosophy. Lewis was true to that as he unceremoniously shoved Massa aside. The way Massa went out of his way to avoid contact, he might as well have got down on his knees and licked Hamilton's balls on the podium, and licked Nelson Piquet Jnr's balls too, for good measure. Every driver on the circuit will now know that Phillipe Massa is like a nude, nubile virgin pumped full of GHB, with a shaved beaver, just waiting to be taken at any time, and as many times as you like.

The face of F1 has changed since Michael Schumacher decided to hang up his racing gloves and start making love to his long neglected wife, instead of his racing car mistress. He left a hole in Ferrari that Massa's and Raikkonens' dicks just cannot fill.

"You have 20 teams, with different cars. The fast cars finish in front and the slow cars finish behind. Why would you have any overtaking?"
-David Coulthard.

The Truth about Moving the Lawn

This is not about the metaphorical 'mowing of the lawn.' We're talking about grass here. Real grass. Not the metaphorical grass you find on a woman's nether regions. Mowing here refers to literally cutting the grass. Not carpet munching or copulation or some other metaphorical sexual act that impinges upon your perverted mind.

In the beginning of time when man had just freshly evolved from a newt, his priorities were food and women. He was either chasing or being chased by wild animals, kidnapping and raping wives, trying to hump first and then eat anything with a pulse and drawing cartoons on cave walls. Those were the good old times. Then the bugger decided to evolve a little more and became Homo Habilis, a tool user, with a penchant for polishing his 'own tool'. Mr Homo Habilis then one day downed tools one afternoon and decided to grab a bit of kip on the patch of grass in front of his hut. This is the day the lawn was born and the last time Mr. Habilis was going to have his afternoon nap. His free time- the time he was able to save because of his tools - would now forever be lost to that patch of grass called the lawn.

I personally hate lawns and I know the feeling is mutual. I don't have a green thumb, as a matter of fact I have what is called 'the touch of death' thumb to to anything with chlorophyll in it. I'm a plant serial killer. The Ted Bundy in the botanical kingdom. If you count the number of plants I've wasted and the ways in which I have wasted them, it would make Jack the Ripper look like a naughty boy. My lawn has black patches of earth that look like the've been scorched with some sci-fi super lazer. It has areas that are completely overrun by an assorted gang of broad leaved mutated weeds that could be the hell spawn of a nuclear disaster. It has patches of dense mini jungles, probably with mini anacondas and mini jaguars fighting each other. I've tried everything. From digging up the black patches to applying gallons of weed and feed, to using weedkiller to begging and pleading with the grass. Many a time, in my mind, I have relived the pleasure of dowsing my lawn with petrol and setting it alight, then grabbing the ashes in both hands and yelling like a banshee to the sky.

You spend your weekends moving it, edging it, weeding and feeding it, and it repays your love like the child in exorcist. Maybe I could manufacture little nanobots or genetically modify some insect like creature to kill the weed between the grass and make sure there is only one type of grass and not 500 like I have now. Or maybe pretend my lawn is Vietnam and fly small remote control F4 Phantoms over my lawn and drop small napalm bombs and de-foliating agents on it. Or individually pull out some weeds, torture them the way the CIA tortured the Iraqis and replant them so they can go and scare the other weeds into surrendering or committing suicide. Or possibly baptising the weeds and training them as alta boys and then bringing a priest to my home. What does one have to do?

There have to be low maintenance alternatives to the lawn. Astro turf is probably too expensive and green coloured carpets might smell after a while, and tiling the entire garden might make it look like a toilet. I beleive that man is more intelligent and capable than most plants. However, when it comes to the lawn, I have my doubts. The score is currently Lawn:100, Me:0, and that really sucks.

All New Nissan X-Trail Review

You hear a lot of talk about the New 08/09 new Nissan X-trail. It has won numerous awards and has had accolade upon accolade heaped upon it. But how good is it? I mean really how good is it? Let's forget for the moment all the hype, the adds, the reviews by various motor magazines, websites, forums, Boris the crocodile etc. Owners are usually biased towards their own vehicles - kind of like how parents think their baby is cute, even though it looks like something even the cat could not be bothered dragging in. The usual reason you buy a soft roader is, you really wanted to buy the land bruiser 200 (no the 'b' is not a typo) but didn't have enough money. That's my reason anyway.

It handles well on road. The 2.4L petrol mated to the CVT can really haul ass if you push it. It corners fairly well, has plenty of grip and good road manners. You will really have to push it hard to make the tires squeal - way past the legal speed limit. Body roll is nicely controlled and it doesn't feel as if the vehicle is going to turn turtle. Loss of grip on bitumen manifests itself as under-steer. You can really thrash this baby but you will need nerves of gristle and balls of magnesium alloy.

Off road on unsealed and slippery surfaces with the all mode dial on auto, you get a bit of over steer before the ESP cuts in. Sometimes this can lead to a little fish tailing as you are also reacting to the over-steer by applying opposite lock and the ESP over-corrects. However, you can have a lot of fun going around slippery corners sideways. Again because the it's fairly lightweight you will have to seriously over commit into greasy corners to get it sideways.

Make no mistake. You will get stuck in mud and on the beach. The factory fitted low-profile tires are superb for the bitumen, but are useless in anything but small puddles and because of the profile they do not air-down well. You will have to bring pressure down to 7 psi on some beaches. However, it's unlikely that you will have to be snatched out regularly. The arrival and departure angles are pretty good, but you have to be extra careful when climbing rocks, whereas a proper 4x4 like a Nissan Patrol could have just blasted over them. The X-trail has independent suspension front and back, so you don't get a lot of wheel travel. This means you will frequently find yourself having to try rock ascents a couple of times, using different approaches and sometimes requiring a bit of momentum, because you only have traction on the two diagonal wheels. Another thing, the braked LSD Nissan keeps talking about. Either Nissan forgot to put that into my vehicle or it's not offered in the Australian version.

Horses for courses. If you are going to spend 95% of your time in suburbia and 5% in the bush, then a soft-roader is ideal. If however, that 5% is going to be serious then buy an old cruiser or old patrol specifically for that. A Nissan Patrol will smash the X-trail off-road, but , on bitumen and unsealed roads, the Patrol will be road-kill for the X-trail. PS: Follow this link for a look at the all new 2010 Nissan Patrol

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Big Brother, Blond Bombshells, Bimbos and Boredom

Looks like the big brother steam-roller is hammering downhill towards that quagmire called oblivion. Channel 10 is throwing everything except the kitchen sink at this show. Expect the kitchen sink, soiled underwear and used sex toys to follow really soon, because nothing seems to be working. From day one the show has been a disaster. The first mistake was to replace Gretel Kileen by an an angry old fart whose personality is, well angry, and a bimbo who would be excellent topless, but nothing much else. They are so utterly boring it makes a Sunday mass look like a cheap but entertaining Jean-Claude Van Damme action movie. Then there's the contestants. The only thing interesting about them is that there is one promiscuous mini whore (Rima), a homosexual child whose testicles refuse to drop (Travis) and an old gramdma who's slightly less entertaining than a demented octogenarian lying on a couch with his tongue hanging out.

Big brother appears really artificial now. It is generally and artificial show, but more so this year. With ad hoc hand grenades and big brother choosing to reverse some of the grenades. For example Nobbi sending terry to the combi and then BB giving Terrence the power to reverse it.
Channel 10 has put in party rat Cory Worhtington, unknown fashion faggot Carson Kressley, and now Pamela Anderson in a bid to try and inject some glucose into catatonic ratings. Pamela Anderson has the boobs to save many a show, but we're talking about the Titanic here.

What is the difference between a cheap porn show and Big Brother?
A cheap porn show has talentless and personality-less people and a lot of sex and nudity. BB has no sex and nudity.

I hope Channel 10 has BB09 next year. I love to see them suffer!

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