Monday, May 4, 2009

Twittering Idiots Lessen, as People Find Life

If updating your status on twitter is called tweeting then the person doing the updating must be a twit or maybe a twidiot. This is obviously a condensed and mentally challenged form of social networking. It is like twitter is the quarter-wit brother of half-wit facebook.

This author heard sometime back that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore were the most followed and were tweeting very regulary. Ashton should stop wasting time wanking off to Striptease while tweeting , and instead grab that old but sexy Demi and show her who her daddy is. Then again he doesn’t want jump Demi only to find out it’s actually that walking accident Brittany Murphy wearing a mission impossible style Demi moor ‘make-me-sexy’ mask and that he’d been well and truly punked! What about the idiots (yes you) that slavishly followed the ass-hat adventures of Ashton on twitter? Did you think that you could vicariously cop a feel from Demi Moore, despite the fact that Ashton hasn't been able to satisfy her, an any conceivable way yet? Well? So how does it feel to be confronted by one sexy MILF and not be able to get it up, and instead have to slink away into the toilet and introduce yourself to Mrs Palm and her 5 daughters.

Good news is that people are finally giving twitter the proverbial finger and leaving. Because, at the end of the day, no one want’s to know, when, what and for how long Kevin Bacon took a shit or when Christopher Walken got caught cheating on his right hand with his left, in the attic. People have realized that there is a life out there and that daily chores such as having a shit and maybe a wank – though may sound exotic when other celebs are doing it – is still best done by yourself. Well done people I’m impressed. Let's go find life and leave freeze-dried social networking to peadophiles that masquerade as little boys and pimply little boys who masquerade as little girls.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Honda: Literally Going to the Dogs

In the distant past there was once a legendary japanese motor company that produced an amazing car called the SiR, a fabulous series of B-motors with the highest specific outputs and incredible rev limits and sparked a legend with the notorious ‘type-R’ badge. A badge that to this day, that has crossed the bounadaries of manufacturers and indeed crossed the vehicular boundary into everyday parlance. This company today is making cars for dogs. WTF dogs? Yep, you heard it, dogs. How the mighty Honda has fallen. The fall highlited by the fact that the brawn F1 team – formerly known as Honda- is kicking ass this year after it replaced the shitty Honda powerplant by a Mercedes built one. Did we fail to mention that the S2000 replacemnet was canned so Honda can concentrate on the its hybrid? Consider yourseld mentioned!

Does Honda have any self respect left? People love a brand not just for the cars they can afford, but also the aura the brand generates through racing and fast and sexy sports cars. Nissan has the legendary GT-R, Mitusbishi and Subaru the boy-racer EVOs and STIs, Mazda has got the RX8 and Toyota has the new Supra on the way. What has Honda got? Why, a nice element with a cute mats-slide for your crippled dog who can’t jump 1 foot into the boot and I’m guessing a dog shit proof floor too. Or maybe the car has a special dog potty with a flush, and maybe even a prosthetic leg so your pooch can have some hump time or piss time - whichever catches its fancy. Maybe even a special saliva proof mini TV for your dog so he can watch shows such as "Cats getting owned" or "PlayDog" or possibly "GayDog" if your dog is a homo. Really high tech stuff, well done Honda!

Please don't even bother with the FD2 type-R or Mugen RR or some kind of rubbish like that. Those cars have no soul. They are not proper athletes like Usain Bolt, but Joe Blow on steroids, in a lycra suit and with some plastic surgery to reduce weight by removing his beer gut and man-boobs. I'm talking about fast cars not highly strung FWD rice rockets that you have to thrash the living daylights out of, just to beat an old lady at the lights, on a walker.

The day I decide to buy my dog a car instead of buying one for myself, please someone, runover my dog.