Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Why Electric Cars Suck

Now that those wanker bankers, joker brokers and tosser bosses have finally managed to put the global economy to rest by lethal injection - is there possibly be more disaster in store? Yes there is! Those greedy leeches have expedited the demise of the internal combustion engine - the heart and soul of every rice boy, girl and animal out there. The Big US car giants are now swearing to stop building giant green house gas emitting V8s and build electric cars instead. Honda has axed most of it's sports car programs in order to focus on its hybrid Insight. Most manufacturers are pulling out of various racing championships stating financial distress.

The tree huggers, whale lovers, vegans and feminists must be rejoicing. The move away from the internal combustion engine to electric engines and hybrid alternatives will surely save the planet. However it spells disaster to everyone else who has ever owned and loved a car.

From ancient times man has been obsessed with fire. Ever since Prometheus gave man fire, man has found lots of interesting things to do with it. From roasting dead animals, to fire-bugging forests. From cooking chinese using napalm to cooking japanese using the A-bomb. From firing rockets into space to firing guns at each other - fire has always been a fascinating aspect of our lives. Fire, is also what powers the internal combustion engine. Think of what makes cars fascinating? High revving engines that reach 10,000 rpm. The whistle as super hot exhaust gases spin up the twin sequential turbos. Whooshes from blow-off valves. Loud exhausts that send war veterans running for cover. Fire from tail pipes as anti-lag dumps fuel into the headers. Backfire like machine guns. Bumpers split asunder to accommodate inter-coolers that wouldn't look out of place on a freight train. Burning rubber as angry V8s dump too much torque on poor Korean built tires. These are all the trappings of an engine powered by fire. Take these away and you might as well be prancing around in a skirt, eating only vegetarian food and trying to express your feelings. So what do you get with an engine powered by an electric motor? Nothing except a slight whine and maybe a small purr as the little quarter litre petrol engine fires up to recharge the batteries.

Imagine formula1 with hybrids? I can't and I would rather formula1 racing die that watch f1 cars crawling around a track in silence at 70 kmph and braking in the middle of the straight to increase the efficiency of regenerative braking. Cars powered by an electric plug are like kitchen appliances with seats on wheels. Who would want to watch a bunch of microwaves, fridges or washing machines going around a track?

It all comes down to mans' (and hot womens') obsession with fire. Even the human body is one big internal combustion engine that converts Oxygen to C02. We love to burn stuff, that's what we do. And that is why locomotion without fire is like having sex with a hole in the tree. It gets the job done, but there is absolutely no fun in it whatsoever.

The only scenario in which a normal man might possibly drive a hybrid over a V8 is if Angelina Jolie and promised to have sex with you if you drove a hybrid. Then again I'd probably tell Angelina to kiss my V8 tailpipe. Monica Bellucci on the other hand will probably only have sex with you if you drove a V8. (Most of this is conjecture based on an average assumption of the male preferences because I'm a woman).


Anonymous said...

Hybrid cars will save the earth only if the electricity behind them is green. I agree that most men probably want to drive things that burn and ruin the environment.

Anonymous said...

Man, I'd ride Monica anyday.

Anonymous said...

Dude, I drive a Holden V8 and I know exactly what your feeling is on the subject. I have read many books on how Norm Beechey won the 1970 bathurst in Australias first all-australian muscle car, the Monaro. I have been there done that. Sadly, since I have been studying Solar power for my new job, I have sadly come to realise that this passion for petrol powered cars is never going to be around forever. No matter how much everyone loves it; it is not future proof. Also Hybrids are not future proof either, because they need a small petrol powered engine to run anyway. Also, quite frankly, japanese hybrids look like shit. They are just family cars designed for soccer mums who enjoy smelling their own farts.
Now if you have some time to spare, try looking up the Tesla Roadster, an ALL ELECTRIC sports car based on the Lotus Elise, does 0-60mph in 3.6 seconds, and has a 300 mile range with it's Lithuim-Ion batteries; and the Fisker Karma, has similar performance but has a 50- mile range, before a 2 litre twin turbo engine recharges the batteries; which also makes the Karma a hybrid. I'm sure Angelina Jolie would open up all of her holes for you if she saw you driving a beast like the Karma.
One thing that people misunderstand is where electric cars electricity comes from. People will say "It is not doing the world any good because your using poer from the power station". It does not matter where that electricity comes from. It can come from a solar power system, a Hydro Electric system, or a wind power system. That is also why just the other day the USA government gave $500 BILLION to help out fossil fuel subsidies; turning remewable energy into power plants and also therefore connecting an EV to charge from clean energy.
100 years ago there were more electric cars than petrol powered cars, true fact. Henry ford (A great man) inventeed a way to mass produce cars, which made them dirt cheap; and the petrol powered car was than widely used. In 1996, the EV1 was made by General Motors. It was killed off; because:
1: embassadors from the middle east (where the majority of the worlds oil comes from) were very close to Bill Clinton and George bush; and forced Clinton to pressure the California Air Resources Board to rethink their tax subsidies on the EV-1. People werew then not allowed to re-lease their EV-1s, and then the newly redesigned Hummer was given a huge tax subsidy and people then went crazy buying huge Hummers.
Perfect running EV-1s were then all crushed at GMs proving ground.
Electric cars are future proof.
I feel that although I too love thata amazing feeling of burning rubber and destroying tires (once also getting my car to go fast enough to head off the speedo, speedo goes up to 240kph and I have a stock commodore!)
But realising this, It will not last. People will hold onto it for as long as they can, but for the meantime if we all stay like sitting ducks with our petrol cars then when the time comes when there is no more petrol, then we will be back in the stone age.
What has to happen and what is happening NOW is that there are technological developments towards EVs. Even swiss brand Koenigsegg have made the Quant, an All electric car, with a layer of amorphour solar cells which charge the car as it drives, and the latest battery breakthroughs which mean they will never lose charge or power ever; this car can go 300mph and has a range of 500 miles. Thats faster than a CCR, goes further, and is entirely electric.
Currently, the worlds fastest car is the SSC aero, which can go 440mph.
The worlds second fastest car is the SSC aero EV; it's electric equivalent.
Electric cars are predestined, and if I have to drive an electric car in the future, I know that I will want one with power and range and style, rather than what more people think of which frankly a stereotype EV even I know is a piece of shit. The technology is out there, you just have to find it.
Also I'm only 18 so I'll be driving an EV by 25 hahah