Why Electric Cars Suck

Now that those wanker bankers, joker brokers and tosser bosses have finally managed to put the global economy to rest by lethal injection - is there possibly be more disaster in store? Yes there is! Those greedy leeches have expedited the demise of the internal combustion engine - the heart and soul of every rice boy, girl and animal out there. The Big US car giants are now swearing to stop building giant green house gas emitting V8s and build electric cars instead. Honda has axed most of it's sports car programs in order to focus on its hybrid Insight. Most manufacturers are pulling out of various racing championships stating financial distress.

The tree huggers, whale lovers, vegans and feminists must be rejoicing. The move away from the internal combustion engine to electric engines and hybrid alternatives will surely save the planet. However it spells disaster to everyone else who has ever owned and loved a car.

From ancient times man has been obsessed with fire. Ever since Prometheus gave man fire, man has found lots of interesting things to do with it. From roasting dead animals, to fire-bugging forests. From cooking chinese using napalm to cooking japanese using the A-bomb. From firing rockets into space to firing guns at each other - fire has always been a fascinating aspect of our lives. Fire, is also what powers the internal combustion engine. Think of what makes cars fascinating? High revving engines that reach 10,000 rpm. The whistle as super hot exhaust gases spin up the twin sequential turbos. Whooshes from blow-off valves. Loud exhausts that send war veterans running for cover. Fire from tail pipes as anti-lag dumps fuel into the headers. Backfire like machine guns. Bumpers split asunder to accommodate inter-coolers that wouldn't look out of place on a freight train. Burning rubber as angry V8s dump too much torque on poor Korean built tires. These are all the trappings of an engine powered by fire. Take these away and you might as well be prancing around in a skirt, eating only vegetarian food and trying to express your feelings. So what do you get with an engine powered by an electric motor? Nothing except a slight whine and maybe a small purr as the little quarter litre petrol engine fires up to recharge the batteries.

Imagine formula1 with hybrids? I can't and I would rather formula1 racing die that watch f1 cars crawling around a track in silence at 70 kmph and braking in the middle of the straight to increase the efficiency of regenerative braking. Cars powered by an electric plug are like kitchen appliances with seats on wheels. Who would want to watch a bunch of microwaves, fridges or washing machines going around a track?

It all comes down to mans' (and hot womens') obsession with fire. Even the human body is one big internal combustion engine that converts Oxygen to C02. We love to burn stuff, that's what we do. And that is why locomotion without fire is like having sex with a hole in the tree. It gets the job done, but there is absolutely no fun in it whatsoever.

The only scenario in which a normal man might possibly drive a hybrid over a V8 is if Angelina Jolie and promised to have sex with you if you drove a hybrid. Then again I'd probably tell Angelina to kiss my V8 tailpipe. Monica Bellucci on the other hand will probably only have sex with you if you drove a V8. (Most of this is conjecture based on an average assumption of the male preferences because I'm a woman).

Have Rice Boys and Girls Been Abandoned By The Car Maker?

In the riceboy renaissance days in the nineties, rice boys and gurls used to rule! The weapons of choice were the much revered EK9 and DC2 type-Rs, Evos, STIs and the sick-ass R34 GT-Rs. The legendary B16A/B16B engines with close to 160 stampeding horses and the torque of 2 fit turtles were the toast of most ricers. Legends and myths abounded, on how a Civic SiR with a B16 thrashed a 5 litre Camaro with 3 flat tires or a Teg-R pwning an M3 as it's owner went to get her dentures fixed. These cars were decked out in more stickers than Phileas Fogg's suitcase, body kits that probably cost 2 seconds in the 0-100 dash because of weight and drag and exhausts that could only be described as fart cannons that would easily make it into any Eddie Murphy Film. The Turbo'ed cars had hundreds of dials and meters from boost pressure, battery voltage to room temperature and relative humidity. These cars were personal expressions -most often in quite bad taste. There was a thriving after market industry around these cars with cone filters, BOVs, dish antennas you stick on the back of cars as spoilers and useless pieces of fibre you could stick to the body of your vehicle to increase your 120 bhp handicap. It was so crazy in fact, the aftermarket included try-hard products such as BOV like sound producing devices that gave the impression you have a turbo, fake inter-coolers and of course fake dohc-vtec stickers.

Is the New Euro Civic type-R (FN2) For Posers? Has Honda Japan Given It the Cold Shoulder?

Honda's latest little rice machine the the Euro civic type-R or the FN2 civic type-R seems to be killing it's competition in the UK and making inroads in Australia. However, the question that needs to be asked - that no one wants to ask - is, 'Is the Euro civic type-R for posers?' More importantly has Honda Japan (rice boy headquarters) disowned the FN2-R ?

Lets look at the facts. Type-Rs have come to represent the best of Honda's technology and racing spirit. There is always something a little raw about a type-R. From it's vtec lobes down to the LSDs, there has is something angry about it. The engine is not like a cheetah (v8 hemi), but like a house hold dog whipped close to point of death to make it run as fast. This high revving, squealing, albeit low-torque engine is what has endeared it to the rice boy community.

Let's have a look at the past Rs. You have the DC2, DC5 type-Rs. All made in japan and available in Japanese variants and export variants. You have the Ek9 also made in Japan. Then you have the Ep3 type-R. Made in the UK, but finished in japan for the Japaneses domestic market. The now legendary FD2 civic type-R (FD2-R for short) made in Japan and sold exclusively in Japan and recently in Malaysia. So what of the FN2 Euro/Australian civic type-R (FN2-R for short)? Well it's made in the UK and not officially imported into japan. Why would the Japaneses want that 3-door piece of crap? They have the mighty FD2-R that laps Tsukuba circuit to within a second of the NSX. Sure, the ride is harsh and you may end up with your liver in your lung cavity and your balls a the back of your throat, but it's uncompromising, and that is what makes it a type-R. But, the dead-give away as to the fact that Japan has quietly disowned the Euro civic is the paint! The Euro civic type-R is not available in championship white!. Every other type-R worth it's synthetic oil was offered in championship white except the 3-door. Because Rice boy headquarters in Tokyo (Honda, Japan) have deemed it unworthy to wear the legendary paint.

The FN2 makes a fine first type-R for anybody. But for hard core ricers who have owned something like a DC2-R before, driving the Euro type-R is like eating a hoof after you have tasted a wagyu beef steak. The only hope is the 260bhp Euro civic type-R R. Yes that's two 'R's. And yes, it comes in championship white!