Thursday, January 24, 2008

Colonel Sanders vs Ronald McDonald

This aims to answer the age old question. If colonel Sanders laid the smackdown on Ronald Mcdonald, who would win? Let us compare these two pro wrestlers and see who turns out to be Rocky Balboa and who ends up as side of beef.

1. Special abilities.

Gravitation - Can be turned on by lacing the floor with chicken pieces slathered in oil. Once you step on a slimy chicken breast your feet will try to kick your head, but your head will be doing river dance on the floor. Gravity reversal! People caught in this must remember to keep their mouths tightly shut because stepping on a piece of slimy chicken is no where near as deadly as accidentally swallowing one.

Ronald McDonald
Army of Midget Trolls -An army of tubby, greedy and loathsome children who would at the drop of a hat, squeal like unhealthy pigs and send their parents to a mental institute for a plate of fries. Ronald has also armed them under the guise of distributing toys. For example those little stuffed dogs can be stuffed down throats to aid suffocation, those little action figures can be held in those small fists to make effective knuckle dusters and those pasta forceps make fine eye gougers.

The Deadly Tick - A devastating weapon of subterfuge. By paying enormous bribes to the Heart Foundation and threatening them with a shortened lifetime supply of burgers, Ronald has obtained the Heart Foundation’s Tick of approval. Now the sworn enemies of Ronald's empire -healthy citizens- will be drawn to the poisonous fast food chain like moths to a F16 jet engine.

Mimic -Ronald has started mimicking the colonel by offering food that is similar in design and unhealthy-ness to the colonels fare. i.e. the devious "Crispy Chicken range." Now fat-ass families can sate their chicken lust and burger lust at one place. Kill two fat kids with one stone.

2.Social Responsibility (Tree hugging)

MacDonald’s uses the entire cow - meat, hooves, testicle, brain etc to make burgers. They are saving a lot of cows by squeezing out the maximum out of just three cows. Also it should be noted that the meat patties contain a lot of vegetable refuse such as carrot tops and potato peel. As a matter of fact there is so little meat in them that they are actually safe for vegetarians. The vegetarian patties are actually meat patties without the meat flavouring. Thus, they have the support of animal activists worldwide.

The colonel on the other hand sells real pieces of chicken so he's out of luck - no beaks, feet and feathers for him. Maybe he has some super lab where they grow breast pieces, drumsticks and wings on the bodies of giant rats. Anyway, the colonel recycles the oil left over from frying chicken as a lubricant for his trucks and for sex. Nah, kidding about the sex- one thing you do not want is a hungry wife and a dick that smells and tastes like a KFC sausage.

3. Social Irresponsibility (Tree logging)

Ronald McDonald being the pervert that he is, targets children. After all it's highly unlikely that any ordinary woman would be attracted to his sick clown-like features. Unless of course, she's blind, has an extra chromosome and is quite dead. I have always found it disturbing that their ads are tailor made for children. At least they don’t target fat ugly kids, but that’s probably because fat kids are already suckling at Ronald’s titties anyway, and nobody cares about ugly kids.

Everyone know that hashish is one of the secret herbs in the colonel’s recipe. That is the only reason why people without a death wish and who do not want to be on "Biggest Loser" keep on turning up to eat the filth. If you roll a piece of KFC skin and smoke it you'd be like a gay man who just had sex in a burning room. Happy, Full of smoke, full of something warm and sticky and your ass will start hurting later.


Ronald takes short cuts, takes no prisoners, has no conscience and has yellow spandex supported balls. He knows every dirty trick in the book- No, not the bible. Ronald will lay such a smackdown on Sanders that the poor colonel will feel like a Texan Bull just made homosexual love to him. Ronald MacDonald is the clear winner.

A video of the colonel and the clown going at it.

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