14 Deadly Sins Explained in Modern Language

Here are the original 7 deadly sins, or to put it in layman's terms Sins for which you can kiss a comfortable afterlife good bye - unless you are an undersea worm that loves heat. But then you'll need water and that's complicated. We'll start with the original sins followed by the new ones (go direct).

Lust: Yeah all you sexual perverts are going o end up in hell quick smart. Excessive surfing for porn will do it as will playing over 100 hours of DoA Xtreme Beach Volleyball.

Gluttony: Stay the hell away from that second serving of ice cream you Lucifer worshiping glutton. Oh, and don't go berserk at buffets. Fat people beware, you are on a one way trip to the land of the anti-Christ

Greed: Trying to make money on the internet by having 1000 pop-ups and adsense scattered all over your blog? Say hello to Satan for me.

Sloth: Get up from in front of your damned gaming console and help your mum with some chores. All gaming consoles except the Wii are tools of the devil, because they force you to sit on your ass all day. The Wii which encourages physical activity is the angel of light, while the Xbox360 and the PS3 are demons of darkness.

Wrath: To all those hell-seeking wrath mongers who hated Osama Bin Laden with all their heart and wished him dead - Don't forget to send me a postcard from hell.

Envy: Stop salivating over your neighbors slammed ZO6 and please stop salivating over his sexy sexy girl-friend whos legs start from her neck and who always wears skimpy bathers when she's washing the ZO6.

Pride: So you got yourself all the way to no 1 in the Gears of War multi-player leader-board and you're feeling mighty proud! Say hello to the land that will freeze over if George Bush were to best a monkey in an IQ test.


Here are the new sins added recently by the Vatican. That super-rich little country within a city where that pope dude lives. See pics of the Vatican.

Bio ethical violations such as birth control: Looks like you will have to resort to porn. If not we are going to see an explosion of little Christian babies.

Morally dubious experiments such as stem cell research: Remember that tomato that was spliced with a salmon. I think it was to make tomatoes more resistant to cold or to make salmon easier to catch by resembling tomatoes and not having any fins. Anyway, those geneticists, the tomato and the salmon are now in all probability, suffering hell!

Drug abuse: This includes prescription drugs as well as the usual hard-core stuff. I hope Heath ledger is not finding it too hot up there.

Polluting the environment: Remember the time you pissed in the river? You thought it was fun didn't you? Well Buddy, do I have news for you.

Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor: The only guilty party is taxes! And the god-damn governments that administer the taxes. Taxes are like an anti Robin Hood, it steals from the poor and gives to the rich.

Excessive wealth: Unfortunately not many of us will be guilty of this. One Ferrari Enzo -OK. But ten Ferraris- come on. It's lucky that all those middle eastern camel humping oil sheiks are Muslims, and Muslims don't go up to Christian hell, because if they did go to hell, Satan would be having one hell of a race riot on his hands. Bill Gates knew about this and he continues to give away his wealth. Smart man!

Creating poverty: If you lose your job, your wife, your wealth and hit the streets as a beggar, you are creating poverty. Under no circumstances are you to suddenly become poor and create poverty. Because if you do, Bye bye, happiness. Hello, loneliness. I think I'm a-gonna cry-y.

Christians vs Muslims - Age Old Rivalry in the 21st Century

From the time of the crusades, when Richard the Lion heart and his valiant knights went to rid Jerusalem from the saracen menace, and their satanic ruler Saladin. Today, Jews occupy this sacred land, unfortunately. So the Rivalry between Muslims and Christians dates back to about 1095 when Pope Claremont hitched up his robe and screamed “kill the bastards” to the Council of Claremont. This was a holy war that lasted about 200 years. You don’t come out of 200 years of clashing broadswords and scimitars and say “fuck it, lets hug each other and forget about it.” No siree! 200 years is about the time it would take for hatred to be firmly encoded in the genes and the sub-conscious. The hatred between the infidel white devils and the terrorist Muslims. So if you are a Muslim hatin on the Christian white man, or a white man hatin on the Muslims – it is not your fault! Blame it on your forefathers who didn’t have Foxtel or sex toys, so had to get their kicks by acting out Rambo 4 .

Terrorism is a two sided light saber - like the one Darth Maul has. You can't point it at someone without it pointing at you. The perceived victim is also a terrorist, but in a more subtle way. So how do the Christian terrorists attack the Muslims? Simple! Apply cruel and crippling sanctions on already poor countries through the puppet UN, supporting Israel and killing that poor hapless bastard Saddam Hussein. How do the Mulsim terrorists retaliate? By blowing up the WTC and recruiting useless jack-asses like Dr Hanifa and David Hicks. The fact that both religions are steeped in violence doesn't help either. Moses slaughtered thousands including the Cainites, and Mohamed preached Jihad. However, the Quran does promise seven sexy virgins in heaven, so the Muslims may be slightly more partial towards death i.e. suicide bombings etc. Terrorism backed with a lot of Christian money manifests itself as a fight against human rights violations. Terrorism without money -Mulsim terrorism -manifests itself as blowing up buildings and infrastructure. Both forms cause untold grief.

There is one simple axiom in the animal kingdom. You fuck with animals, they will eventually fuck you back – Steve Irwin is a prime example of this. The best thing to do is mind your own god-damn business, pull your troops out, shut your pie hole and give Israel to the rightful owners – the saracens.

I'm sure every Muslim harbors at least a tiny smidgen of ill will towards Christians, and every Christian views a Muslim as a potential terrorist, at least in a small way. This is absolutely OK. You don't have to deny it. You're trying to, but it's not working! We do not have to love each other to get along. We just have to respect each other and our diverse cultures.

Oh, and don't forget to vote for Hillary Clinton! Men have tried to bring peace to this world and fail. Now let's give the MILF a chance!

More religious mayhem