A Woman's Guide To Man (Star Wars)

Almost half the world's population have difficulty understanding the idea of 'star wars.' The problem with this is the fact that the ignorant half is the half with all the boobies. i.e. women. For all the women out there who want to get into the pants of a geek, this guide is specially crafted for both of you. Listed below are the movies in chronological order based on the storyline. However, their release order is 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3. Yes confusing - I know.

1 The Phantom Menace - Young Anakin Skywalker meets his future wife and jedi mentor
2 Attack of the Clones - Anakin grows up into a poofter and gets to bone princess Amidala.
3 Revenge of the Sith - Poofter fathers two kids -Leia, Luke. Turns into Darth Vader.
4 A New Hope - Luke Skywalker and team blow up the first death star
5 Empire Strikes Back - Luke finds out that Vader is his dad, and surprise, surprise the empire has another death star
6 Return of the Jedi - Rebels destroy the final death star.

Here is a summary of all that you will ever need to know about star wars, because let's face it, you'll have any geek at beechewawa.

The Force
This is something like telekinesis, basically it's moving objects without touching them. Imagine guys being able to rip off women's clothes from afar, or women being able to mind control men? We'd get a whole lot of nude women watching TV and sipping pina coladas while guys were doing all the ironing. The older you get the more powerful your force is.

Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader
He's the real bad ass bad guy, but sort of cool too. He's a Jedi turned to the darkside, because he lost his mother, is scared of losing his wife and was a bit of a poof in the first three movies. Turning into D. Vader has gives him some street cred. He's Luke's and Leia's father but they don't know it.

Luke Skywalker
He's the hero, but he doesn't get the girl or kill the bad guy. As a matter of fact the bad guy turns out to be his father, and the girl whose throat he tries to ram his tongue down turns out to be his sister. If this were a chick flick it would be a disaster. If it were a porn movie it would be legend!

Princess Leia
Every geeks wet dream. She's a princess and Luke's twin sister. Which makes Darth Vader her father. What was George Lucas thinking when he dressed her in a skimpy metal bikini and put her next to a big filthy slimy slug monster in Return of the Jedi? I'll tell you what he was thinking! He was thinking that it would be the most wankable scene in sci-fi history and every geek would go out and buy a copy of his movie, lots of the tacky Leia merchandise and 10+ rolls of toilet paper.

HanSolo
He's the guy who gets to bone Leia in the end. He is the cavalier, womanizing, chauvinistic dude you find in most Mills and Boon romances. He gets to 'teach' the prissy little chick (Leia) in the end. Incidentally he has a pet gorilla called Chewbacca. Did we mention he gets to bone Leia?

Obi Wan Kenobi
Jedi master. Trained Anakin when he was small. Tried to kill Anakin just after Annie turned bad. Did a lousy job of it too. Just like he botched Annie's training. As Jedis go, this guy is a train wreck waiting to happen.

R2D2 and 3PO
These two are like Starsky and Hutch or Tarzan and Cheetah or maybe Dolce and Gabanna, except that they are not chimps nor are they gay faggots who have fallen out with each other. They offer light comic relief. R2D2 makes little farty sounds and C3PO speaks 10 billion languages.

Yoda
He's the Jedi master, he's over 800 years old so his erections may be week but the force is very strong. He's a bit like ET, only difference is he's better animated and he's got a light saber instead of a phone. He trains Luke in the force.

Beam me up Scotty - back to geek central.

Life Help For Geeks, Nerds and Dorks

You're a geek with no social life outside of your computer and no friends outside your tissue box. You know what happened in all the episodes of TOS, TNG, DS9 & Voyager. You know how to hot-wire R2D2, you know how long Yoda's dick is and you fantasize about princess Leia. Oh, yeah! welcome to land of the geeks. People say we have no social skills, motor skills and we cannot attract the opposite sex. They are probably correct! So, here is a multi-part article on how a geek/nerd/dork and learn to be less geeky/nerdy/dorky and eventually, even get laid- by a real woman!

Geeks guide to the opposite Sex
The first article in this series is about girls. How to meet and greet a girl. No, your sexy sister and milf mum do not count. It's hard to meet a girl when you never get up from World of Warcraft. And, the hot women you come across on the social networks sound suspiciously like little nerds using female avatars so they can touch themselves. Plus, Let's face it, I've never seen an attractive geek so chances are you ain't that pretty.

1. Acclimatization. First you need to go someplace where there are real women- Not the morgue- I mean real live women. The supermarket, Uni or the local shops are ideal. Ask your mum if you can get anything for her from the shops so you have an excuse to go to these places. Observe the women and try not to giggle and try not to get a hard-on.

2. First Contact. After a few outing, when you next pass a woman along an aisle, or in a corridor at your Uni, you might want to drag your eyes off her breasts and look at her face, smile and say a casual Hi. It would help if your geek mind was to stop imagining every woman in some hentai leather suit in the course of the 'Hi', so your eyes don't look like lascivious x-ray goggles.

3. Engage! Next, stretch your Hi, to 'Hi, nice day isn't it?' or some other mundane non-sci-fi comment. Target quite a few girls and select the ones with the most encouraging responses, i.e. the one that don't slap you across the face. You should then focus your energies on these women. You might soon be having decent conversations with them as time->oo (infinity).

Do talk about

• Homework - too much of it and why it sucks.
• TV shows you may find excruciatingly lame, like ER, desperate housewives, and if she's fat and black, then Oprah Winfrey
• Ask her questions about herself - not bra size, and thong color, but 'what she did over the week end, how she found the last assignment etc.
• Tell her how good her boobs look and that you can just make out the outline of her nipple if you look hard enough- just kidding moron. Have you learned nothing yet?
  

Do NOT talk about

• Star trek, especially seven-of nine, especially in that figure hugging painted-on spandex.
• Star wars, especially princess Leia, especially in that hot little bikini number.
• Calculus or computers or any form of mathematical, computerific or science-fictionistic mumbo jumbo.
• Basically anything that interests you.

4. To seek out new life. Now let's find a non-threatening place(for you) where you can meet a nice girl that doesn't need an air-pump. How about a convention? You get heaps of star trek, star wars, gaming, comics and cosplay conventions. Why not try there? Be warned, that because female 'trekkies' are few and far between, competition for this scarce resource is fierce. But you have prior training. You can look at a woman's eyes and not at her breasts. You can talk to a woman for 1 minute without a single reference to Darth Maul or Jean Luc Picard.

5. Patience. Coruscant wasn't built in a day. If you can kill 100 million wild boars to increase your skill level to 60 in World of Warcraft, then you can easily stick to this plan.

6. Boldly go where no man(geek) has gone before. 1st base! I'm not going to tell you how to get a woman's bra off, because if you can eliminate the Locust Horde and destroy the Flood, a bra clasp is child's play. You can practice on your sister's bra. Preferably while your sister is wearing it. What the heck you might as well practice first base on her too if she's hot.

Stay tuned for the Geeks Guide to recreational drugs and alcohol. Coming soon.