A Dummy's Guide To The Global Financial Crisis

The world as we know it, is in deep recession. People have lost their jobs, their cars, their houses, their dignity and in some cases, their multi million dollar bonuses. Big CEOs of major car companies have flown in their private jets to Washington to go begging to the government. Banks have gone under. Stocks have hit rock bottom, drilled through it and are now approaching earths core. Governments are throwing money at people to try and jump-start the economy that is flat lining like a patient under Dr Kevorkian. For once everyone is telling us to go berserk and spend money on hookers, LCDs, cigarettes, booze and ecstasy. So what started this disaster? Was it Complex financial instruments? Junk bonds? Cheap loans or ninjas? Who caused this? How did it happen? We all contributed to the filthy disgusting mess we find ourselves in. So let's analyze how we screwed ourselves in the ass. I'm not talking about gays here, so getting screwed in the ass would be pretty damn painful and disgusting (How to save money in the crisis) .

1. We see the share market rising everyday so we think it would be nice to put our hands down those pants, so we go and buy shares.

2. Because people are buying shares the share prices keep increasing. Companies become emboldened and take on riskier ventures and offer shares as collateral. They offer bigger returns and project huge future earnings.

3. This increases share prices and greedy people buy ever more shares expecting them to keep on increasing like a rabbit population on viagra.

4. Sky rocketing share prices embolden companies. CEOs greedily accept bonuses that could feed a small third world country for a week. Companies take on ever more riskier stuff like junk bonds and complex financial instruments. These are so complex that even Einstein would need a stiff shot of whiskey before he tackled them. And even then the outcome would be dubious.

5. Interest rates start to bite people who have taken out loans, some default and those houses go back into the market. Investors take their money out of housing and chase the more lucrative share market. Supply exceeds demand and house prices drop. People with loans find out that the mortgage they are paying exceeds the value of there house. As these are no-recourse loans people just abandon the houses, leaving 'kiss my ass' signs on the lawn.

6. Lenders are now left with abandoned houses,that are worth less than the money they lent. with more houses entering the market, these lenders find that they cannot pay the bigger lenders who lent to them. This goes on up the chain of lenders.

7. Companies start forecasting losses now instead of profits, shareholders start selling their shares. The share prices drop. Companies that have taken out loans and are in mild difficulty find out that they can't use their collateral to settle their loans, because the collateral is usually shares and the shares are worth less than a thong bikini in Antarctica.

8. Big companies find out that the small companies they lent to are defaulting, so now they have a liquidity problem. They don't have cash to service their loans, they go under. All the high risk junk bonds and CFIs are returning nothing but debt.

9. Comapies jut jobs to lower their costs in order to survive. More jobs cuts are forcasted.

10. People don't want to spend money because they think they may need it if they are fired. No one is going to put their balls on the line for a new LCD now are they?

11. No demand for products and services means the people producing those items have to cut back. This leads to more job cuts.

12 Vicious circle continues - eroding consumer confidence.

13. CEOs take home handsome pay packets and bonuses for flushing their companies down the toilet. Share holders are outraged because their savings and nest eggs have gone up in smoke faster than Urkel cumming inside Halle Berry.

14. Governments step in to try and stop the disaster, but it's like bailing out the Titanic with a teacup. However, the rich people get the lifeboats (government bailouts), and the poor people get lot's of icy cold water.

A Woman's Guide To Man (Star Wars)

Almost half the world's population have difficulty understanding the idea of 'star wars.' The problem with this is the fact that the ignorant half is the half with all the boobies. i.e. women. For all the women out there who want to get into the pants of a geek, this guide is specially crafted for both of you. Listed below are the movies in chronological order based on the storyline. However, their release order is 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3. Yes confusing - I know.

1 The Phantom Menace - Young Anakin Skywalker meets his future wife and jedi mentor
2 Attack of the Clones - Anakin grows up into a poofter and gets to bone princess Amidala.
3 Revenge of the Sith - Poofter fathers two kids -Leia, Luke. Turns into Darth Vader.
4 A New Hope - Luke Skywalker and team blow up the first death star
5 Empire Strikes Back - Luke finds out that Vader is his dad, and surprise, surprise the empire has another death star
6 Return of the Jedi - Rebels destroy the final death star.

Here is a summary of all that you will ever need to know about star wars, because let's face it, you'll have any geek at beechewawa.

The Force
This is something like telekinesis, basically it's moving objects without touching them. Imagine guys being able to rip off women's clothes from afar, or women being able to mind control men? We'd get a whole lot of nude women watching TV and sipping pina coladas while guys were doing all the ironing. The older you get the more powerful your force is.

Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader
He's the real bad ass bad guy, but sort of cool too. He's a Jedi turned to the darkside, because he lost his mother, is scared of losing his wife and was a bit of a poof in the first three movies. Turning into D. Vader has gives him some street cred. He's Luke's and Leia's father but they don't know it.

Luke Skywalker
He's the hero, but he doesn't get the girl or kill the bad guy. As a matter of fact the bad guy turns out to be his father, and the girl whose throat he tries to ram his tongue down turns out to be his sister. If this were a chick flick it would be a disaster. If it were a porn movie it would be legend!

Princess Leia
Every geeks wet dream. She's a princess and Luke's twin sister. Which makes Darth Vader her father. What was George Lucas thinking when he dressed her in a skimpy metal bikini and put her next to a big filthy slimy slug monster in Return of the Jedi? I'll tell you what he was thinking! He was thinking that it would be the most wankable scene in sci-fi history and every geek would go out and buy a copy of his movie, lots of the tacky Leia merchandise and 10+ rolls of toilet paper.

HanSolo
He's the guy who gets to bone Leia in the end. He is the cavalier, womanizing, chauvinistic dude you find in most Mills and Boon romances. He gets to 'teach' the prissy little chick (Leia) in the end. Incidentally he has a pet gorilla called Chewbacca. Did we mention he gets to bone Leia?

Obi Wan Kenobi
Jedi master. Trained Anakin when he was small. Tried to kill Anakin just after Annie turned bad. Did a lousy job of it too. Just like he botched Annie's training. As Jedis go, this guy is a train wreck waiting to happen.

R2D2 and 3PO
These two are like Starsky and Hutch or Tarzan and Cheetah or maybe Dolce and Gabanna, except that they are not chimps nor are they gay faggots who have fallen out with each other. They offer light comic relief. R2D2 makes little farty sounds and C3PO speaks 10 billion languages.

Yoda
He's the Jedi master, he's over 800 years old so his erections may be week but the force is very strong. He's a bit like ET, only difference is he's better animated and he's got a light saber instead of a phone. He trains Luke in the force.

Beam me up Scotty - back to geek central.