Monday, March 24, 2008

Life Help For Geeks, Nerds and Dorks

You're a geek with no social life outside of your computer and no friends outside your tissue box. You know what happened in all the episodes of TOS, TNG, DS9 & Voyager. You know how to hot-wire R2D2, you know how long Yoda's dick is and you fantasize about princess Leia. Oh, yeah! welcome to land of the geeks. People say we have no social skills, motor skills and we cannot attract the opposite sex. They are probably correct! So, here is a multi-part article on how a geek/nerd/dork and learn to be less geeky/nerdy/dorky and eventually, even get laid- by a real woman!

Geeks guide to the opposite Sex
The first article in this series is about girls. How to meet and greet a girl. No, your sexy sister and milf mum do not count. It's hard to meet a girl when you never get up from World of Warcraft. And, the hot women you come across on the social networks sound suspiciously like little nerds using female avatars so they can touch themselves. Plus, Let's face it, I've never seen an attractive geek so chances are you ain't that pretty.

1. Acclimatization. First you need to go someplace where there are real women- Not the morgue- I mean real live women. The supermarket, Uni or the local shops are ideal. Ask your mum if you can get anything for her from the shops so you have an excuse to go to these places. Observe the women and try not to giggle and try not to get a hard-on.

2. First Contact. After a few outing, when you next pass a woman along an aisle, or in a corridor at your Uni, you might want to drag your eyes off her breasts and look at her face, smile and say a casual Hi. It would help if your geek mind was to stop imagining every woman in some hentai leather suit in the course of the 'Hi', so your eyes don't look like lascivious x-ray goggles.

3. Engage! Next, stretch your Hi, to 'Hi, nice day isn't it?' or some other mundane non-sci-fi comment. Target quite a few girls and select the ones with the most encouraging responses, i.e. the one that don't slap you across the face. You should then focus your energies on these women. You might soon be having decent conversations with them as time->oo (infinity).

Do talk about
  • Homework - too much of it and why it sucks.
  • TV shows you may find excruciatingly lame, like ER, desperate housewives, and if she's fat and black, then Oprah Winfrey
  • Ask her questions about herself - not bra size, and thong color, but 'what she did over the week end, how she found the last assignment etc.
  • Tell her how good her boobs look and that you can just make out the outline of her nipple if you look hard enough- just kidding moron. Have you learned nothing yet?

Do NOT talk about
  • Star trek, especially seven-of nine, especially in that figure hugging painted-on spandex.
  • Star wars, especially princess Leia, especially in that hot little bikini number.
  • Calculus or computers or any form of mathematical, computerific or science-fictionistic mumbo jumbo.
  • Basically anything that interests you.

4. To seek out new life. Now let's find a non-threatening place(for you) where you can meet a nice girl that doesn't need an air-pump. How about a convention? You get heaps of star trek, star wars, gaming, comics and cosplay conventions. Why not try there? Be warned, that because female 'trekkies' are few and far between, competition for this scarce resource is fierce. But you have prior training. You can look at a woman's eyes and not at her breasts. You can talk to a woman for 1 minute without a single reference to Darth Maul or Jean Luc Picard.

5. Patience. Coruscant wasn't built in a day. If you can kill 100 million wild boars to increase your skill level to 60 in World of Warcraft, then you can easily stick to this plan.

6. Boldly go where no man(geek) has gone before. 1st base! I'm not going to tell you how to get a woman's bra off, because if you can eliminate the Locust Horde and destroy the Flood, a bra clasp is child's play. You can practice on your sister's bra. Preferably while your sister is wearing it. What the heck you might as well practice first base on her too if she's hot.

Stay tuned for the Geeks Guide to recreational drugs and alcohol. Coming soon.


Anonymous said...

You gave me hope, when there was none. It's time for this geek to boldly go where no geek has gone before! 2nd base with a woman.

Thank you!

Anonymous said...

To anonymous commentor - Are you nuts pal? If you listened to this blogs advice, forget 2nd base, you will end with a palm print not on your privates, but on your face!

ohh... sorry, were you being sarcastic?

Anonymous said...

...please where can I buy a unicorn?