Sunday, May 4, 2008

Conversations With God - Part 1

We have always wondered what the Big Gee (God) would think of man's shenanigans today. Todays liberal, boozed up and internet addicted society is a far cry from the good old god fearing days where falling asleep at Sunday mass was mandatory. We asked the Big Gee (God) what his thoughts were on the current antics of the progeny of his not so finest creations Adam and Eve.

Us: Man gets pregnant with child, appears on Oprah.
Big Gee: Nice Try. she's not really a man is she. More like the worlds ugliest woman. What's more interesting is Oprah. Did you know what she's the world's most beautiful cow? I mean seriously, cow, four legs and a tail. Not a metaphorical cow.

US: Apology by the pope for Child Molestation by the the Church.
Big Gee: The question is are they perverts before they become priests or do they turn to the dark side once they join the episcopal hierarchy? I mean jeez, why little boys? Go out and pay for hookers for my son's (Christ's) sake. It would have been less scandalous, saved us a lot of compensation money and maybe salvationed a couple of prostitutes. Salvationed? I'm God, I get to invent words. I'm glad Ratzy (Ratzinger, Pope) apologized, even if he didn't really mean it.

US: Gay Marriage now legal in some countries.
Big Gee: Let me ask you this. In all the time you have watched the discovery channel have you ever seen a male animal have sex with another male animal? Ever wondered how a female animal would have sex with another female animal? Imagine elephants doing the scissors? Maybe they could use a reticulated python as a dildo. Can you imagine Lions giving each other blow jobs? Wouldn't they be biting each other's dicks off? Homosexuality is a disease. It's not in the genes. We have as much an inbuilt tendency towards homosexuality as we'd have to sawing our thumbs off with a blunt knife and poking our eyes out with forks. If I knew this crap was going to go down I would have created Adam and Aron, and screwed Eve, no not in a sexual way.

US: War in Iraq good or bad.
Big Gee: I'm not averse to bloodshed. The Canaanites can attest to that. Well, they might have if there had been any left. And my favorite son JC did say 'I come not to bring peace, but to bring a sword.' Unfortunately, Hiroshima and Nagasaki made me look like a rank amateur. I do not condone nor do I abhor war. Sometimes you need war when you're on the winning side, and often you don't when you're on the losing side. One thing I can say is that if you screw some one, they are going to want to screw you back, and I'm not talking about sex.

US: The Church of Scientology.
Big Gee: Well most religions have great founding fathers. Buddhism had lord Buddha, Islam had Mohamed, and Christianity has yours truly. Scientology on the other hand was founded by a second rate science fiction author. I'll let you in on a secret, Tom 'Jackass' Cruise is actually a Christian secret agent. His impossible mission was to infiltrate the Church of Scientology and bring it to disrepute. I must say, he has done so admirably by acting like a weirdo. Is it me or does anyone wonder about the word Scientology? I personally think it's a combination of science and scatology. Just cheap B-grade science fiction in any case.

US: Father has consensual sex with own daughter and father's child in Australia.
Big Gee: Well if you look at the Bible, there are a few examples. Lot had sex with his sexy daughters -of course he was a little stoned. Noah's sons and their progeny had relationships with each other and of course Adam and Eve's children only had each other to satisfy their sexual perversions, err, I mean urges. However, having said that, those were trying times where they were practically the only people on earth so had no option. Similarly, all Australia has are Kangaroos and desert so they are not exactly spoiled for choice are they? Can you really blame those hicks for choosing daughters over a kangaroos? The child's father and grandfather are the same man. How cool is that?

US: Mormon faith.
Big Gee: Looks like they have one two many 'M's. Ha ha ha.. just kidding. Just because I'm God doesn't mean I don't have a sense of humor. Nah, they're all cool. Again a religion spawned by a Mr Joseph Smith. I mean those so called Golden Plates buried near his house, the Angel Moroni, spectacles made out of seer stones, sounds like one of those stupid Harry Potter book. Like 'Harry Poofter 7, Curse of the imaginary three legged golden wombat.' Every nut to his own.

More religious mayhem

2 comments:

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James said...

In all the time you have watched the discovery channel have you ever seen a male animal have sex with another male animal?

Actually, yes. I saw one about lone male lions pairing off and doing each other from behind. No blowjobs tho. That and a lot more other animals, since it's a programme exploring animal sexuality.

Then again, I've also seen male dogs in my neighborhood doing it too when they think i'm not looking.

Guess God DID hardwire homosexualism into nature. Who'd have thunk?