A Woman's Guide To Man (Star Wars)

Almost half the world's population have difficulty understanding the idea of 'star wars.' The problem with this is the fact that the ignorant half is the half with all the boobies. i.e. women. For all the women out there who want to get into the pants of a geek, this guide is specially crafted for both of you. Listed below are the movies in chronological order based on the storyline. However, their release order is 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3. Yes confusing - I know.

1 The Phantom Menace - Young Anakin Skywalker meets his future wife and jedi mentor
2 Attack of the Clones - Anakin grows up into a poofter and gets to bone princess Amidala.
3 Revenge of the Sith - Poofter fathers two kids -Leia, Luke. Turns into Darth Vader.
4 A New Hope - Luke Skywalker and team blow up the first death star
5 Empire Strikes Back - Luke finds out that Vader is his dad, and surprise, surprise the empire has another death star
6 Return of the Jedi - Rebels destroy the final death star.

Here is a summary of all that you will ever need to know about star wars, because let's face it, you'll have any geek at beechewawa.

The Force
This is something like telekinesis, basically it's moving objects without touching them. Imagine guys being able to rip off women's clothes from afar, or women being able to mind control men? We'd get a whole lot of nude women watching TV and sipping pina coladas while guys were doing all the ironing. The older you get the more powerful your force is.

Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader
He's the real bad ass bad guy, but sort of cool too. He's a Jedi turned to the darkside, because he lost his mother, is scared of losing his wife and was a bit of a poof in the first three movies. Turning into D. Vader has gives him some street cred. He's Luke's and Leia's father but they don't know it.

Luke Skywalker
He's the hero, but he doesn't get the girl or kill the bad guy. As a matter of fact the bad guy turns out to be his father, and the girl whose throat he tries to ram his tongue down turns out to be his sister. If this were a chick flick it would be a disaster. If it were a porn movie it would be legend!

Princess Leia
Every geeks wet dream. She's a princess and Luke's twin sister. Which makes Darth Vader her father. What was George Lucas thinking when he dressed her in a skimpy metal bikini and put her next to a big filthy slimy slug monster in Return of the Jedi? I'll tell you what he was thinking! He was thinking that it would be the most wankable scene in sci-fi history and every geek would go out and buy a copy of his movie, lots of the tacky Leia merchandise and 10+ rolls of toilet paper.

HanSolo
He's the guy who gets to bone Leia in the end. He is the cavalier, womanizing, chauvinistic dude you find in most Mills and Boon romances. He gets to 'teach' the prissy little chick (Leia) in the end. Incidentally he has a pet gorilla called Chewbacca. Did we mention he gets to bone Leia?

Obi Wan Kenobi
Jedi master. Trained Anakin when he was small. Tried to kill Anakin just after Annie turned bad. Did a lousy job of it too. Just like he botched Annie's training. As Jedis go, this guy is a train wreck waiting to happen.

R2D2 and 3PO
These two are like Starsky and Hutch or Tarzan and Cheetah or maybe Dolce and Gabanna, except that they are not chimps nor are they gay faggots who have fallen out with each other. They offer light comic relief. R2D2 makes little farty sounds and C3PO speaks 10 billion languages.

Yoda
He's the Jedi master, he's over 800 years old so his erections may be week but the force is very strong. He's a bit like ET, only difference is he's better animated and he's got a light saber instead of a phone. He trains Luke in the force.

Beam me up Scotty - back to geek central.

Conversations With God - Part 1

We have always wondered what the Big Gee (God) would think of man's shenanigans today. Todays liberal, boozed up and internet addicted society is a far cry from the good old god fearing days where falling asleep at Sunday mass was mandatory. We asked the Big Gee (God) what his thoughts were on the current antics of the progeny of his not so finest creations Adam and Eve.

Us: Man gets pregnant with child, appears on Oprah.
Big Gee: Nice Try. she's not really a man is she. More like the worlds ugliest woman. What's more interesting is Oprah. Did you know what she's the world's most beautiful cow? I mean seriously, cow, four legs and a tail. Not a metaphorical cow.

US: Apology by the pope for Child Molestation by the the Church.
Big Gee: The question is are they perverts before they become priests or do they turn to the dark side once they join the episcopal hierarchy? I mean jeez, why little boys? Go out and pay for hookers for my son's (Christ's) sake. It would have been less scandalous, saved us a lot of compensation money and maybe salvationed a couple of prostitutes. Salvationed? I'm God, I get to invent words. I'm glad Ratzy (Ratzinger, Pope) apologized, even if he didn't really mean it.

US: Gay Marriage now legal in some countries.
Big Gee: Let me ask you this. In all the time you have watched the discovery channel have you ever seen a male animal have sex with another male animal? Ever wondered how a female animal would have sex with another female animal? Imagine elephants doing the scissors? Maybe they could use a reticulated python as a dildo. Can you imagine Lions giving each other blow jobs? Wouldn't they be biting each other's dicks off? Homosexuality is a disease. It's not in the genes. We have as much an inbuilt tendency towards homosexuality as we'd have to sawing our thumbs off with a blunt knife and poking our eyes out with forks. If I knew this crap was going to go down I would have created Adam and Aron, and screwed Eve, no not in a sexual way.

US: War in Iraq good or bad.
Big Gee: I'm not averse to bloodshed. The Canaanites can attest to that. Well, they might have if there had been any left. And my favorite son JC did say 'I come not to bring peace, but to bring a sword.' Unfortunately, Hiroshima and Nagasaki made me look like a rank amateur. I do not condone nor do I abhor war. Sometimes you need war when you're on the winning side, and often you don't when you're on the losing side. One thing I can say is that if you screw some one, they are going to want to screw you back, and I'm not talking about sex.

US: The Church of Scientology.
Big Gee: Well most religions have great founding fathers. Buddhism had lord Buddha, Islam had Mohamed, and Christianity has yours truly. Scientology on the other hand was founded by a second rate science fiction author. I'll let you in on a secret, Tom 'Jackass' Cruise is actually a Christian secret agent. His impossible mission was to infiltrate the Church of Scientology and bring it to disrepute. I must say, he has done so admirably by acting like a weirdo. Is it me or does anyone wonder about the word Scientology? I personally think it's a combination of science and scatology. Just cheap B-grade science fiction in any case.

US: Father has consensual sex with own daughter and father's child in Australia.
Big Gee: Well if you look at the Bible, there are a few examples. Lot had sex with his sexy daughters -of course he was a little stoned. Noah's sons and their progeny had relationships with each other and of course Adam and Eve's children only had each other to satisfy their sexual perversions, err, I mean urges. However, having said that, those were trying times where they were practically the only people on earth so had no option. Similarly, all Australia has are Kangaroos and desert so they are not exactly spoiled for choice are they? Can you really blame those hicks for choosing daughters over a kangaroos? The child's father and grandfather are the same man. How cool is that?

US: Mormon faith.
Big Gee: Looks like they have one two many 'M's. Ha ha ha.. just kidding. Just because I'm God doesn't mean I don't have a sense of humor. Nah, they're all cool. Again a religion spawned by a Mr Joseph Smith. I mean those so called Golden Plates buried near his house, the Angel Moroni, spectacles made out of seer stones, sounds like one of those stupid Harry Potter book. Like 'Harry Poofter 7, Curse of the imaginary three legged golden wombat.' Every nut to his own.

More religious mayhem

Sing-Along Celebs

Ever wondered what a Celebrity's life would be like in the words of a limerick? If you have then you are in the right place. If you haven't, then it's about time you did. Select your celebrity below and go onto a fun, catchy and informative string of hilarious limericks. This is a work in progress, so more celebs will be added on as time goes by.

Paris Hilton
Oprah Winfrey
Britney Spears

Paris Hilton - Limerick Profile

There was once a hottie called Paris,
Who was famous for being an heiress;
Till she met Rick Solomon,
Good grief, she swallows man,
Now we're on first names with her clitoris.

She's had heaps and heaps of pets,
From kinkajous, dogs to ferrets;
But her fave was a bitch,
By the name Nicole Ritch,
Who she dumped and now really regrets.

She gulps sushi like a swallowing whore,
But colas and soft drinks get a no;
Luvs injections to her behind,
Of the sticky hot beef kind,
But also orders a lot of Taco Bell to go.

Many think she's a dim witted tart,
But reality is - she's really not smart;
Her most quotable quote,
And one worthy of note,
Is "Do they like sell walls at Wal-Mart?"

Back to sing-along celebs for more limericks

Ways Of Making Japanese Whaling More Acceptable

Click image for larger picture

Whaling is like a half squeezed zit. It just wont go away. So instead of fighting it lets find out ways in which we can make it more acceptable to the general public.

Other whale stuff

• Original 'funny' whaling article here
• Pics of yummy whale meals