Movie Reviews by the People's Critic

Ever wanted to know what to do on the day Mrs Palm and her five daughters decided to take a break? Wanted to know what movie to take your imaginary or possibly real date to, so you could literally impress the pants off her? Well wonder no more. Here are some movie reviews with in-depth and at times out-of-depth critiques ranging from acting and special effects to the sizes of cod-pieces. I don't go to the Cannes film festival, I hardly ever, I mean never get invited to red-carpet premiers and I never get to meet any celebs closeup because of my many injunctions. If you want to know what the people think of a movie and not what some high-brow asshat of a critic who insulted star wars, then this is the right place. Movie reviews that in most cases are more entertaining than the very movies themselves.

Super Hero Movie
Charlie Wilson's War
I am Legend
Superbad

Superhero Movie Review. Lamer Than A Dead Donkey?

The trailers for this movie promised so much. However, it looks like they took the best bits from the movie for the trailer. The rest of the movie is pretty crap. It's based quite closely along the Spiderman I storyline and is about a wanker/hero called dragon-dumb-ass-fly man, I think. This is firmly aimed at the imbecilic teenager age group. You can tell by the extended farting scene which lasted about 5 minutes -I kid you not- and was really painful. Believe me, even without the farting scene the movie would still stink. Like most 'gag' movies, this is full of the usual obligatory pop-culture references like iPods, Facebook, Google, Enron, etc. but there is nothing really creative in the way that they are mis-represented or 'gagged.'

The best gags were Tom Cruise acting like a nut on you tube and Leslie Nielson nailing the black friend's hand to the counter top with a nail gun. The black friend is pretty funny and he would have made a good sidekick to dragon-loser-fly man, and injected something different into the movie. Instead, all you get is a weird caricature of the spiderman movie with a couple of really unfunny gags and cheap super hero uniforms that look like they came from K-mart. Except for Pamela Anderson. She looks really hot as Invisible girl. Dang! Other super hero appearances include Xavier appearing as a black man - but not saying 'dawg' and 'for rizeal' like a proper homeboy, Wolverine shaving his legs with his Adamantium claws instead of licking his balls like a real animal and Mr Fantastic screaming 'flameo' instead of 'lameo' and turning into the human torch. Ouch!

On a day where you don't have anything more exciting to do than smashing your thumb with a hammer, go watch this movie. On the other hand considering the stupendous horribility of this move smashing your thumb might be the better option. Honestly the gags are lamer than a three legged donkey with a serious case of arthritis and a Fonzy haircut, and sadder than Michael Jacksons life. Wait for the DVD, and when it does comes out, bury it in the garden.

The Good- Leslie Nielson nailing that black-ass's hand with the nail gun. Hilarious

The Bad- Pretty much everything outside of Leslie Nielson and the nail gun.

The Ugly- Extended farting scene that puts fart-a-holics like Eddie Murphy to shame. The fart scene stinks so much that it will shit you. Trust me.

Alternatives- Gnawing your toes to the bone would be less painful.

Charlie Wilson's War - Rocket launcher or water pistol?

This is based on a true story about a US senator name Charlie Wilson who was instrumental in getting the Russkies out of Afghanistan in the inglorious days of the cold war. Tom Hanks stars as Charlie Wilson along with renegade CIA agent Gust Avrakotos played by Philip Seymour Hoffman, goes about getting funding to rid the hell hole in the desert of the vodka sculling Commie bastards. Julia Roberts make an appearance looking like some freakish bat out of hell as the conservative Madam Herring who helps Charlie get funding as well as get off.

Trash talking bad mouth Phillip Seymour easily steals the show as Gust with his bad ass attitude and irreverence. The plot tries to twist a little with the sniff of a scandal involving Charlie and drugs, but this is quickly swept under the carpet without much grace. If this movie is anything to go by then Charlie Wilson was a bit of a playboy who had lots of sex with hot sexy women. Not just with prostitutes and interns like the senators today. So what the heck is Tom Hanks doing playing this role? He doesn't seem at all convincing as a debonair playboy.

The Good- Hot women, a little nudity and Philip Seymour Hoffman's bad ass mouth.

The Bad- Hot women - I would have expected some of his women to be a little sleazy. Very linear plot. The scandal involving Charlie and drugs should have been developed a bit more and maybe its affect on Charlie explored a little more.

And the Ugly- Portraying poor Russian Pilots like insane Viginia Tech shooters in Huge Russian Hind copters hell bent on wiping Afghanistan from the face of the planet. Add to this hundreds of scenes of russian helicopters, tanks and varous other vehicles getting blow up by the Mujahedin. I hope people understand that there are poor russian soldiers and pilots inside these exploding bots of hardware. These poor soldiers/pilots probably just wanted to get the hell out of Afganistan - which is a shit hole by anyone's standards - Afghans included.